I'm always for seizing the moment. I do it almost too much. I learned a rough lesson when I was going through the breakup with my high school boyfriend. Numerous times I would throw myself at him. Profess my love for him. (ok, don't laugh at this next one....well, okay, laugh) Write pathetic 17 year old angst poetry for him. Only in every circumstance to end up curled up in the fetal position on my living room floor at 3am with my mom next to me crying out "whyyyyyyyyy?".
You'd think that after all my experience with life and other relationships, that I would learn my lesson. Ha. It was weighing on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about it so I shared my feelings. I wasn't expecting a response and honestly, no response is better than a horrible one, I think. But, still. I'm mad at myself for stooping to that level. I want someone who wants me just as bad as I want them. I want the guy who can't sleep until he comes to find me and is next to me. If he left me, there was a reason. Why can't I just get it through my thick skull. He's obviously moved on. I want to as well.
I gave up on the search for a guy because DC just really ain't the place for relationships. The people here are just not what I'm looking for like that. I started praying a lot that God would use this time to shape me and grow me the way He would like and that I would be ready for whenever he decides to send me my Prince Charming.
That consoled me for about a week and a half. It's hard. I know to trust God that everything will work out, but my fear is that I've lost trust in man. So, say, God sets both me and my future husband up perfectly and we fall in love, yada yada....who's to say that in 10 years, my husband just won't get sick of me and want to move on. God can only do so much, but we all have free will. I trust my own feelings. I don't say "I love you" unless I really mean it. I mean, I would take a bullet for you, want to spend forever with you no matter how horrible your little quirks are, and work through the hard time "I love you". But, my experience is that the guys that have said that did not really mean it. I really thought the last one did, but nope. So, how do you know for sure that they mean it? Do I actually have to stage a robbery and see if the guy will jump and catch the bullet for me? Hm...that's an idea.
Anyway, my roommate and I have been talking about mistakes we've made with guys where we just look like the ridiculous girl while the guy can sit back with the power (we gave him) and laugh. We both have talked about how we should have learned from the past and yet we make the same mistakes.
I guess I should look at it as another growing lesson. This time, thankfully, I did not end up on the fetal position crying "why" in the middle of the night. Instead, I sat on the couch with my roommate and drank some wine and talking about what I wouldn't do next time. Right. I'm sure I'll do it again and again. In the end, that makes me, me. I'm blunt honest. I put my feelings out there. I'm not afraid to be stupid in love. One day I will find the guy that matches that.
On a side note...it's 9 degrees (wind chill) outside and I'm filling out deployment paperwork for Kuwait. I'm the primary person on the list for my floor for that deployment this summer. It's supposed to leave in July, I believe, so I'd get 2 weeks leave in June to go home and get everything in order. I'm already thinking about a weekend camping trip to go float the river. Dreaming of the Texas summer, flip flops, cut offs, beer, and an inner tube. :) Of course, when I'm doing that, I'll probably be dreaming of snow and moutains, beer, and a snowboard. haha.
Grass is always greener.
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