Every simple act of mercy, every step to kingdom come, all the hope in every heart, will speak what love has done. - The Judds, Testify To Love

My whole world and all my previous values and thoughts are being twisted. I don't know what to do with all of this. I'm being moved beyond anything I could ever imagine and I'm seeing the world and God in a totally different way. I can't explain it and in reality I didn't ask for it. I asked for help finding a mate....and this whole pandora's box opened in which my faith is being tried and my mind is a whirl.

In the still, small voice He has, He's telling me that this lonely, painful time is necessary. I was on the verge of jumping into a marriage. It was broken. I became broken. It's scary looking back and seeing how close I was to doing something that may not have been God's plan for me. For us. I see so many friends getting married (I think there's only about 2 people from my nursing school class that is are not married or engaged). I want that love badly. I want to be in their shoes, but God's telling me to slow down and really look at myself and my life. Would I rather jump into something I feel is right at the time and I feel all the goosebumps and lovey-dovey feelings, or do I want to wait (forever how long this may be!) for the man that God has specially chosen for me and in the time being, be formed into a wonderful bride?

I will have to chose the second. It is painful and hard to be single, (especially when you know you're far from the thoughts of your previous loves) but it will all be worth it when I finally get to my wedding day and I know that I am a strong woman of God and I'm marrying a strong man of God who will not give me empty promises or tell me "I'm too much to handle".

I'm reading this amazing book, Captivating. (Thank you Shelley for mentioning it!) It talks about how relationships often get to a point, where the man feels he is going too deep into a woman's world and she requires too much and they stop and say "I'm not going there. This is all you will get from me. You're too much work."

When the book got to this, I stopped. For years, I have often thought that there was something wrong of me. This was said by all of my past loves. I knew at the time these things were said, that I was really reaching out. I felt a form of them leaving, and I got scared. Women fear abandonment more than anything and when they start to feel it, they pull on tighter and cling too much. My problem was that I loved so much that I was scared to death to let go, because they were all I had. Now, I need to learn to put all my love into Christ, and then I won't lean so much on men to emotionally fill my void in my heart.

Another chapter started mentioning Hosea (chapter 2):

6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'

8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

God sees that this woman clings to a man because she believes he gives her happiness and prospers her, but really, it's God that is doing all of that. He punishes her by taking it away so that she will see God.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor ^[a] a door of hope.
There she will sing ^[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.

But, when God wins her back, their relationship is changed. It's better than it was before. She sees him as a love and not just "The king of kings".

It couldn't be more black and white. This year has been troubling. For me, but also a close friend. It's amazing that we're experiencing this together. I've often said that we should be single at the same time! Now, we're not planning to go guy watching at clubs, but grow in our spiritual relationships. This is a great time, and although my heart aches (most days and nights), I know it is all going to be better in the end.




You're all thinking.....very churchy message. Yes, it is. How strange. Seriously. I don't know what's happening to me. I've never been one to run around and talk about all this stuff so openly. But, these things that are being shown to me just make me stop in amazement. It's like my mind and heart are being read and the answers given to me, just like that! It's a daily struggle, because there are so many things from before that I still want to do and still do. I haven't cut out beer or going out with friends or anything crazy. I still listen to "secular" music. I will cut my hair again. haha. It's not like I'm going off into the amish country, but I am letting my heart be healed.