All of a sudden, you wake up gasping for air, heart pounding, head hurting. You can't breathe.
If you've ever dealt with that, you know what a panic attack is like. I used to have them in high school and a few difficult times in college. It's been a long time since I felt that fear.
Returning from Kuwait was more overwhelming than I thought it would have been. I had been living in a secure little bubble. A compound with gates and security and friends next to me at all times. I didn't have bills, crime, traffic. I worked and enjoyed Kuwaiti sunsets. Sure, it was a hard adjustment to get out there, but once I was settled in I didn't want to come back. I think I enjoyed hiding from the real world as if it didn't exist.
Sure, I missed my friends and my car and going out into DC. For all those reasons, I'm glad to be home, but I'm starting to feel myself losing the battle over stress. I'm not having panic attacks, but I can feel my heart racing and my blood pressure has been high lately. I keep telling myself to stop and breathe. I do all my exercises to calm myself down. Most of the time I know whatever it is that is stressing me out is really no big deal.
I've been praying a lot about this lately. I've been diving into God's word and seeking His guidance. Why do I feel so panicky sometimes. I'm losing sleep. I don't know. I'm thinking about going to see one of the Chaplains at the hospital. Maybe I just need to let it out. Maybe something is bothering me that I am ignoring.
I want Florida. I want the beach and a smoothie and some good 'ole country music. I need to get back south where I feel more at home. All the fast paced life of DC is fun and I enjoy this city tremendously, but I'm ready to get back where I came from. Where people smile and talk slowly and look out for each other.
In April, I will have 6 full months and then I will PCS to Jacksonville.
Good news is, I have my surgery on April 2nd and my mom is coming up for the first part and then I'm flying to Texas for the second part of my convalescent leave. I'll be in Arlington April 15-22nd resting up and having my momma take care of me.
I am so excited about the surgery. I think I will feel much better when I can begin running. I think it's going to be one of the best ways to control my stress.
Even though I wasn't on the frontlines and I was no where near combat, I can see what your body goes through when you return....and it was only 6 months. I wish I had known what it was like a few years ago when I couldn't understand someone who was just returning. Now, I can't even tell him I understand. I guess I did my damage. I'm going to live the rest of my life knowing that I made someone I loved hate me and never want to speak to me again.
Maybe that's the source of my stress.
1 comment:
You make me want to live in DC. I can't say that I know just what you're going through, but I know what it is to watch it and not be able to make everything all better all at once. Give yourself time and remember that you're not getting the same support in returning that a lot of your compatriots are. Your family and your home culture are far away, you aren't getting to come back to normalcy and because of that, everything you're feeling, even regrets about the past are perfectly normal. Do go talk to a Chaplain because they are individuals uniquely equipped to understand your mental, emotional, and spiritual state from the point of view of a person of God, and a person in the Navy. You'll probably feel better just getting to talk to someone about it who can relate to you on both of those levels and who is right there in front of you. I would be there for you now if I could be, dearest friend.
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