I feel a bit lost in my own world. I think the moment that started was actually in October 2006. I was sitting in a class for the nurse internship program at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda. One of our instructors, a LCDR at the time, was giving a lecture about the body's response when in combat. It was the most amazing lecture I had heard. Not just because it was fascinating information, but because I realized this is the point I had been working towards.
I had sat through 2 and a half years of nursing lectures, but none of them focused on combat. I'm not sure where it was instilled in me, but I just had this fascination with the military and nursing. In October 2006, in that classroom with 10 other people, I finally had made it. I was merging nursing and the military. It was finally coming together. It had taken 22 years for me to get exactly where I felt I belonged. That was the most amazing feeling in the world.
Then, I went home. I sat down on my futon and thought to myself. Now what? I made it where I wanted to go. Now, where do I belong? What's my next step? What am I working towards?
It'll be five years that I've been in the Navy and have been a nurse this coming August. In that time, I've had ups and downs. I've felt on top of the world when I was walking into the most amazing medical facility for the armed forces in the continental US. Then, I've had trouble feeling worth anything at a smaller facility where we handle cuts and scrapes and mostly help retired military spouses that don't seem concerned to keep themselves healthy.
I've deployed, but to Kuwait, which I normally just say "oh, it was just 6 months in Kuwait". Then, there was the time I was called up to leave for Haiti for the earthquake relief on 1 hrs notice. We just ended up in Cuba for 2 weeks. We did a few things important and I know, I know, it was mostly honorable that we stood up and left on an hour notice and everyone was proud we went to support the Naval hospital there.
There are still times I feel that I haven't lived that "adventure". I haven't been on the front lines or done amazing humanitarian missions.
I've voiced these thoughts with some of my close friends and they all assure me that I'm doing something special...but I just don't feel it.
Now. My life has entirely changed. I met someone I never in my life saw coming. I am the happiest I have ever been and oddly enough, my "adventure" I seek feels different. I was never going to be that girl. I still want to stay in the Navy, but how do I feel when I think about leaving for 9 months. Cameron and I, at this point, have been together 9 months and a week or so. I'd just now be returning from deployment! We met, dated, got married, moved in, joined lives, etc all in that time. I can't imagine being that far away for that long without him. I know that's how all the other military members and their spouses do it and I will go if they need me to. I'm not trying to get out of anything or avoid anything. It just seems strange to me that I feel so torn.
I also just feel stagnant. I don't know what kind of nursing I want to do. I don't know how long I want to stay in the Navy. Even if I got out, I don't know that I would want to do nursing. Shoot. I don't know.
I guess all these things changed in my life so fast that I'm just now settling down to think about what they all mean. Nothing to change right now. I know in our future, Cameron and I have some big adventures in store. I'm so excited to see where we go from here!
In the mean time, I'll just keep chugging along.
No comments:
Post a Comment