"How despicably have I acted!' she cried. - 'I, who have prided myself on my discernment! - I, who have valued myself on my abilities!."

A Song of Opposites by John Keats

Welcome joy, and welcome sorrow,
Lethe's weed and Hermes' feather;
Come to-day, and come to-morrow,
I do love you both together!
I love to mark sad faces in fair weather;
And hear a merry laugh amid the thunder;
Fair and foul I love together.
Meadows sweet where flames are under,
And a giggle at a wonder;
Visage sage at pantomine;
Funeral, and steeple-chime;
Infant playing with a skull;
Morning fair, and shipwreck'd hull;
Nightshade with the woodbine kissing;
Serpents in red roses hissing;
Cleopatra regal-dress'd
With the aspic at her breast;
Dancing music, music sad,
Both together, sane and mad;
Muses bright and muses pale;
Sombre Saturn, Momus hale; -
Laugh and sigh, and laugh again;
Oh the sweetness of the pain!
Muses bright, and muses pale,
Bare your faces of the veil;
Let me see; and let me write
Of the day, and of the night -
Both together: - let me slake
All my thirst for sweet heart-ache!
Let my bower be of yew,
Interwreath'd with myrtles new;
Pines and lime-trees full in bloom,
And my couch a low grass-tomb.

I see myself in another time. I see myself Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. Early 19th century England. Back when the slightest touch of a hand or a look was more intimate than anything else. I want to be romanced. It is rare to find a man who has a way with a pen and actually longs to write. I just watched Bright Star, which is a movie based on the romance between John Keats and Fanny Brawne. The looks. The way that when they held hands it was the most delicate and intimate thing they could do. The love. Alas.

The funny thing is that when I am romanced I don't know what to do. I think again that's Elizabeth's fault. Mr. Darcy appeared aloof, proud and mysterious. Without her even acknowledging it, Elizabeth falls in love with Mr. Darcy. He doesn't come out and give her flowers or shower her with poetry. In fact, he is cold and insults her. So, when did this all begin? The "nice guys finish last". It's true. Women want to be romanced, but then wouldn't know what to do with it. Even in modern times with Sex and the City, Mr. Big was always the aloof, proud and mysterious character. Just like in Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Big's first name is rarely mentioned. There are a lot of similarities between these two characters. If I could go back to AP english with Mrs. Burris, I would write an essay outlining this. Of course, my paper would be crap since it has been years that I've actually written an english paper, but the idea would be there.

I think many of the independent women out there are a lot like Elizabeth and Carrie. They fight it.

I would love to go back to a day where men opened doors, stood up when you came to and left the dinner table, when men would "call" on you.

The other reason I'm thinking this way is my weekend in Savannah. That city is so rich with history. I see myself in bustles and large dresses walking the brick laid streets. I loved the afternoon I had where it was just me and the city. I visited the art museum and sat in the Telfair Square and wrote in my journal and read. You can almost hear the city speak to you.

I want to be that "southern belle" who's gentlemen comes to "call" on her.

But, as soon as I would get that I would get stubborn and want to prove I didn't have to be treated differently as a woman. I'd want to show my strength and maintain that I could keep up with the men.

Oh. I'm so confusing. No wonder men can't quite get us at times. Here's the difference. I'm giving out all the secrets now!

I want to be independent, but for you to be there to take care of me when I need it.
I want to show I can do things for myself, but really love for you to do them for me.
I want to open the door for you, but only to see how you will react and I want you to then insist on holding the door for me and wait for me to enter (I do this all the time....and it's interesting to see how different men react. I'm usually let down if you let me hold it and you don't insist on holding it for me.)

Basically, I want a man who does things for me because he loves me and not because he thinks I can't do it myself. Just as long as he knows and acknowledges how strong, intelligent and handy I am.

I was never a "daddy's girl". I carried my own bags. Opened my own doors, etc. It's taken me a few relationships to learn to let things be done for me and not feel that I have to show off that I can do it all the time. I enjoy it now. It's also just maturity in general. Never in a million years would I ever thought the idea of courting or being "called" on would be romantic.

These days so many girls forget about romance. We go to the bars (because that seems to be the only place men and women can talk) and meet people who are only surface deep. I don't want that. I long for something more. I know God has something more for me and the excitement of waiting is something I'm so glad I have now. It's fun to dream of what my future husband will be like. Will he be tall? Short? Funny? (has to be funny!) How will we meet? Have we already met? Ah. It's so fun to dream.

In the meantime I'll continue to grow and mature so that when I do meet this man, I'm ready and hopefully, he will be too. I'll also enjoy my all night movie marathons of old time romance. :)