So, of course, after the post about how in love I am with Eric Bana, I decided to write about how I truly feel about love these days.
I got to a point where I was frustrated. I had, what I thought, was the man of my life. The one who would never leave and we would have this wonderful life together. That dream was destroyed, and my heart along with it. I knew through the whole thing though that when I made it through the really hard time, I would come out a much stronger person. I did. The year 2007 pushed me to doing many things I never thought I could do. Well, then I went through a period of frustration because I wondered why it was so hard to meet someone special. It's SO very different when you're not in college and just working all the time and have a limited social life. The men I met just weren't my type, weren't looking for the same things out of life, didn't want to do the whole Navy life, or just weren't attracted back to me. A couple weeks ago, I sat on my bed and talked with God.
"Why is this so hard? I'm smart, funny, cute, I have a good job, etc....How come I can't meet my love of my life? Why is it so hard for me to meet someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me??"
And then He answered.
"There are too many 'me's' in those questions. It's not your job...it's mine. I have it all under control and you don't need Dr. Phil and match.com to find your perfect match because I already know him. I created him for you. I am shaping his heart and your heart so that when you meet, you will be ready for him. But, you do need to realize that I want to create your romantic love story."
It was right. Every time I went in search of my love, it ended with a crushed spirit and shattered heart. I instantly started looking online for research material to help me in my new quest to let go of my love life and give it over to God. I found a book called "When God Writes Your Love Story". It's been a perfect read. We are created in His image. If we want the sappy love chick flicks....so does God....and better yet....he wants it for us! Since that lonely night of me praying and handing over the key to my heart, I have found so much peace. It's all taken care of. In the mean time, I will work on my own life and heart and enjoy my single life. I'm now getting to go snowboarding and go do things outdoors more. I'm volunteering once a week at the cystic fibrosis foundation. I'm doing more soul searching. It's been great.
It has also helped me finally try and let go of things that happened last year. The relationship ended without a lot of things said, and things said that should not have been said. Questions ran through my head every second of every day until I told God that I was leaving it all at His feet. The pain still will start to come back and all the confusion along with why it all happened will pop into my head, but I instantly try and breathe and let it pass. The future love life that God is preparing me will not leave me feeling this way. I am excited and anxious about that day.
Okay, I know that seemed like a very "churchy" post. I don't normally talk very openly and freely about my spiritual relations...but this was something for some reason I felt like I should share. I'm really not changing anything about myself, but more less, letting go of the stress and burden of searching for my love.
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