Well. I made it back to Texas. My dad picked me up at the airport and we got my mom from work and went to see my grandma. She wasn't looking good. She had so much edema (fluid built up in her arms) and her kidneys are even worse. They had her maxed out on one blood pressure medicine and had to change her to another type and her bp is still 50/20. Not good. She had a bi-pap machine on, which is basically a mask that forces air in without having to put a tube down someone. I don't like it. It's loud. It looks uncomfortable. Eh. So, anyway, after talking with the nurse and looking at the numbers and her....my dad made the decision to give her comfort care. He went out and talked with the nurse and then the nurse came back in and started saying that he was going to take her off the bi-pap and the bp medication, and give her some morphine. I was like, "oh. We're doing this now?". It kinda seemed fast. I just had walked in maybe 3 minutes earlier and now we were getting ready to let go. It was hard to see my parents get emotional and me not tear up a bit. She wasn't able to open her eyes and say "my Candi girl" like she normally would when I would come see her. I don't want her to be in pain and I don't see her getting much better. No need to prolong it if she's suffering. She seems much more comfortable with the simple face mask on. Her bp isn't registering and her heart rate is all over. She's starting to have cheyne-stokes respirations (where you will breathe deeply and rapidly and then not really for a while). We stayed for a long time, but then my dad and I had to go to make it to the funeral home to talk to them about arrangements and pick out a casket. My mom stayed in case she did pass on. That's an odd experience. Picking out a casket. I think I found one she would really like. It's white, but around the edges where it curves it's a kinda iridescent/pearl color and around the handle areas there are pictures of roses. My grandmother would like it. I also found one I told my dad that I liked in case he ever has to get one for me. But, then after talking about how much money it costs and everything that goes with it, I told him to cremate me, rent a boat, bury me at sea, and everyone have a party.
So, after that, we went back to the hospital, spent more time with my grandma. There were a couple times she would open her eyes finally and kinda moan when I would talk to her, but I don't know if she knew I was there. I hope so. We were all telling her stories of times we had together. It was nice. It's good to be able to be here and say goodbye. I feel much better. She's still hanging in there. I'm not sure if she'll make it tonight or tomorrow, but hopefully now she's comfortable.
I'm glad I was able to make it down here. My department head was really good about it as well. I had given her the heads up this weekend and then called her Tuesday and she filled out all my leave paperwork for me.
I'm afraid I won't be able to stay for her funeral because I fly back Sunday and she's going to have to be transported to Houston, but I was able to say goodbye now. I think she would understand that. If anything, the funeral would be mostly so that I could be there for my family, but there will be other family down there and they understand. Plus, who knows how long she'll hold on. Everyone is different.
Things I remember about growing up with my grandma: (mostly our routines when I'd go visit)
-If I woke up at night and asked her to get me something to drink, she would get up and make me warm chocolate milk
-after my baths, she would carry me to her bedroom (i was always afraid of the sound of the water draining from the tub) and she would put lotion and then powder all over me. i was about 4 years old or so...
-for dinner she would always make me lamb chops and corn. the butter from the corn would run down into the lamb chops and it tasted sooooo good
-for breakfast we would either have powdered doughnuts or strawberries with powdered sugar
-lunch was always this chicken soup stuff and she had these different colored bowls and it was my favorite thing to go and pick which color i would have for the day
-one time when i was older i had a secret sender (remember those pocket toys where you could send messages, etc?). well, this one could control my tv so i sat upstairs while she was watching tv and i changed the channel without her knowing. it was so funny when she finally found out i was looking down from the balcony.
-when i went to see "blair witch" in high school i was too afraid to sleep by myself, so she let me sleep down in her room that night. hey! i thought that movie was real! it scared the mess out of me. haha. that was when she was still living with us.
-she and i would have "washcloth wars" with my nana (my great-grandmother) when I was really young and we would throw warm, wet washcloths at each other.
-nana would also eat the "yucky cookie" part of the oreo after I ate the frosting from the middle. that's love.
Oh, and apparently (i was too young) when my nana was dying, she would wake up in the hospital and look around and say "you mean I'm not dead yet?!" to my grandmother who was sitting with her. haha. That was my nana. She'd beat your butt. She was a tough old bird. :)
"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies." ~Rudolph Giuliani
"Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete." ~Marcy DeMaree
That one is def true. I'm hoping now she feels her life is complete and will be able to pass on peacefully.
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