And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live. ~Here You Me by Jimmy Eat Wr

Here are some pictures of my grandma, nana (great grandma) and me. There's also a black and white one of my grandma and grampa when he was stationed in Japan during WWII. I wish I could have met him, but he died when my dad was 2.

My grandma passed away at noon today. Right before that, my mom and I had gone to lunch and brought some back for my dad. We told him we'd stay with her while he went to eat real fast. Well, she opened her eyes and so I got down close to her to talk to her. I told her about all her friends that were asking about her and that we all loved her and dad was downstairs eating lunch and he'd be back soon, but that he had been there all morning. She kept her eyes open for about 5 minutes. She hasn't really responded, but I hope she understood what I was saying. Then, i looked at the monitor and she was starting to get what looked like atrial fibrillation, where the heart was having a hard time beating, like the electrical impulses were going wackho. I was like, oh crap and told mom to run and get dad. Within about 2 minutes she had gone. I have never been there to watch someone die. It's odd too. Since she's a dnr and no one really comes running. I went over and turned off the monitor and held her hand. I wonder now if when she opened her eyes she saw an angel like in City of Angels. I'd like to hope it was something peaceful like that. I started crying because I felt bad I told dad to go eat and he wasn't there. I didn't want him to feel bad. Well, we said our goodbyes and went home. On the way home, I felt a relief. She was finally at peace and resting. It was hard, but she's a lot happier now. Well, then we had to go get her stuff from the nursing home. That was a cry-fest. All her friends were coming by and crying and it made me start crying and then I couldn't stop. Her roommate, Lucille, was having a really hard time. They had known each other for 8 years and in a way she didn't get to say goodbye. But, I told Lucille that I told grandma this morning that she was thinking of her. Lucille kept most of her clothes to wear them and remember her by. We were all trying to celebrate her being able to be in heaven, but I seriously couldn't stop tearing up. I am not a big crying kind of person unless I'm alone so I was getting frustrated. Then, we came home and I fell asleep. I went to see Shelley and told her everything and started crying....yet again. Geeeeez. Well, it doesn't help that I'm all hormonal right now anyway. I'm really going to miss her. She was a sweet lady and I know I meant the world to her. I just hope that I brought her happiness. I'm so glad I was here to be with her and my family. I won't make it to the funeral, because it'll be in Houston next week and i fly back Sunday, but I was able to say goodbye and I feel okay about it. I'm sure she understands.

I'll always remember our "adventures", grandma.

Death is there to keep us honest and constantly remind us we are free. - Dan Fogelberg, Ghosts

Well. I made it back to Texas. My dad picked me up at the airport and we got my mom from work and went to see my grandma. She wasn't looking good. She had so much edema (fluid built up in her arms) and her kidneys are even worse. They had her maxed out on one blood pressure medicine and had to change her to another type and her bp is still 50/20. Not good. She had a bi-pap machine on, which is basically a mask that forces air in without having to put a tube down someone. I don't like it. It's loud. It looks uncomfortable. Eh. So, anyway, after talking with the nurse and looking at the numbers and her....my dad made the decision to give her comfort care. He went out and talked with the nurse and then the nurse came back in and started saying that he was going to take her off the bi-pap and the bp medication, and give her some morphine. I was like, "oh. We're doing this now?". It kinda seemed fast. I just had walked in maybe 3 minutes earlier and now we were getting ready to let go. It was hard to see my parents get emotional and me not tear up a bit. She wasn't able to open her eyes and say "my Candi girl" like she normally would when I would come see her. I don't want her to be in pain and I don't see her getting much better. No need to prolong it if she's suffering. She seems much more comfortable with the simple face mask on. Her bp isn't registering and her heart rate is all over. She's starting to have cheyne-stokes respirations (where you will breathe deeply and rapidly and then not really for a while). We stayed for a long time, but then my dad and I had to go to make it to the funeral home to talk to them about arrangements and pick out a casket. My mom stayed in case she did pass on. That's an odd experience. Picking out a casket. I think I found one she would really like. It's white, but around the edges where it curves it's a kinda iridescent/pearl color and around the handle areas there are pictures of roses. My grandmother would like it. I also found one I told my dad that I liked in case he ever has to get one for me. But, then after talking about how much money it costs and everything that goes with it, I told him to cremate me, rent a boat, bury me at sea, and everyone have a party.

So, after that, we went back to the hospital, spent more time with my grandma. There were a couple times she would open her eyes finally and kinda moan when I would talk to her, but I don't know if she knew I was there. I hope so. We were all telling her stories of times we had together. It was nice. It's good to be able to be here and say goodbye. I feel much better. She's still hanging in there. I'm not sure if she'll make it tonight or tomorrow, but hopefully now she's comfortable.

I'm glad I was able to make it down here. My department head was really good about it as well. I had given her the heads up this weekend and then called her Tuesday and she filled out all my leave paperwork for me.

I'm afraid I won't be able to stay for her funeral because I fly back Sunday and she's going to have to be transported to Houston, but I was able to say goodbye now. I think she would understand that. If anything, the funeral would be mostly so that I could be there for my family, but there will be other family down there and they understand. Plus, who knows how long she'll hold on. Everyone is different.

Things I remember about growing up with my grandma: (mostly our routines when I'd go visit)
-If I woke up at night and asked her to get me something to drink, she would get up and make me warm chocolate milk
-after my baths, she would carry me to her bedroom (i was always afraid of the sound of the water draining from the tub) and she would put lotion and then powder all over me. i was about 4 years old or so...
-for dinner she would always make me lamb chops and corn. the butter from the corn would run down into the lamb chops and it tasted sooooo good
-for breakfast we would either have powdered doughnuts or strawberries with powdered sugar
-lunch was always this chicken soup stuff and she had these different colored bowls and it was my favorite thing to go and pick which color i would have for the day
-one time when i was older i had a secret sender (remember those pocket toys where you could send messages, etc?). well, this one could control my tv so i sat upstairs while she was watching tv and i changed the channel without her knowing. it was so funny when she finally found out i was looking down from the balcony.
-when i went to see "blair witch" in high school i was too afraid to sleep by myself, so she let me sleep down in her room that night. hey! i thought that movie was real! it scared the mess out of me. haha. that was when she was still living with us.
-she and i would have "washcloth wars" with my nana (my great-grandmother) when I was really young and we would throw warm, wet washcloths at each other.
-nana would also eat the "yucky cookie" part of the oreo after I ate the frosting from the middle. that's love.

Oh, and apparently (i was too young) when my nana was dying, she would wake up in the hospital and look around and say "you mean I'm not dead yet?!" to my grandmother who was sitting with her. haha. That was my nana. She'd beat your butt. She was a tough old bird. :)

"What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies." ~Rudolph Giuliani

"Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete." ~Marcy DeMaree
That one is def true. I'm hoping now she feels her life is complete and will be able to pass on peacefully.

Catch a wave and your sitting on top of the world. - The Beach Boys, Catch A Wave

Pics from when Tanya and I went to Norfolk to see Lyndsy and we hung out at Virginia Beach. Also, pics of Lyndsy's friends house with the "bar" in the backyard where we drank and sang karaoke and drank and sang karaoke, etc...
And, lastly, one of the many planes we saw at the oceania air station. I love planes. Can't wait for our next trip down there!

When its family, you tolerate what you'd kill others for. - Dolly Parton, Family

Here are pics from our work bbq at ENS Brown's. All the ladies are the nurses on my floor and the fellas are our corpsmen. They are some goofy guys, but they really help us out a lot!

It always rains like hell on the loser's day parade. - Goo Goo Dolls, Broadway

These were from the national memorial day parade down in the city. It was interesting because most of the parade was going through wars and time periods so everyone was dressed up as military or political figures for the time. Tanya and her friend and I even ran across Constitution at one point because we had to get to the other side of the street and there was a break in the parade. I was so embarrassed, but it ended up being so fun. Tanya will do that to ya, but I always end up with great stories when I'm around her.

Maybe it's time we got back to the basics of love. - Waylon Jennings, Luckenbach, Texas

Here are a few pics from when I took leave in May. They're kinda random...and late, but I figured I needed to get some pics up.

Rollercoaster favorite ride, Let me kiss you one last time ~Roller Coaster by Blink 182

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. Okay, I'm never getting on the superman ride at six flags anymore. Check out this story!!!

I don't ever want to play the part of a statistic on a government chart. - The Police, Invisible Sun

D.C. is known as a high crime city, but at one of our military bases? http://www.nbc4.com/news/13535845/detail.html?dl=headlineclick

As if Walter Reed hasn't gotten enough bad press. I'm not sure why all these Army bases are using contracted security guards. I know our guards at Bethesda are Navy MP's. I feel much better that they are.

10 safest are on Left 10 most dangerous on right

	1	San Jose, CA	1	Detroit, MI
	2	El Paso, TX	2	Washington, DC
	3	Honolulu, HI	3	Baltimore, MD
	4	Austin, TX	4	Memphis, TN
	5	New York, NY	5	Dallas, TX
	6	Louisville, KY	6	Philadelphia, PA
	7	San Diego, CA	7	Columbus, OH
	8	San Antonio, TX	8	Nashville, TN
	9	San Francisco, CA	9	Houston, TX
	10	Fort Worth, TX	10	Phoenix, AZ

Is it weird that one of the safest cities (Ft Worth) is right by one of the most dangerous (Dallas)? So, I figure if I can survive DC, then I can live anywhere. Anywhere, except Detroit. haha. I still love this city.




Top 10 Best Educated Cities (highest % of bachelor degrees pop 5000+)

Stanford, California (94.6%)

Winnetka, Illinois (84.4%)

University Park, Texas (80.5%)

Scarsdale, New York (79.8%)

Scarsdale, New York (79.8%)

Glencoe, Illinois (79.7%)

Chappaqua, New York (79.7%)

Fox Chapel, Pennsylvania (79.5%)

West University Place, Texas (79.4%)

Bethesda, Maryland (78.9%) <-----That's where I work! Yay! I think it's because of NIH. All those scientists and whatnot....

Top 15 Cities with the Largest % of Males:

Baldwin, Illinois (94%, Median age: 30.7, pop. 3627)

Irving, Illinois (90%, Median age: 31.9, pop. 2484)

Ina, Illinois (90%, Median age: 33.8, pop. 2455)

Altamont, Pennsylvania (87%, Median age: 33.9, pop. 2689)

Carlisle, Indiana (86%, Median age: 33.6, pop. 2660)

Clifton, Tennessee (85%, Median age: 34.7, pop. 2699)

Dannemora, New York (84%, Median age: 34.0, pop. 4129)

Jessup, Maryland (83%, Median age: 34.3, pop. 7865)

Fort Dix, New Jersey (83%, Median age: 33.5, pop. 7464)

Sheridan, Illinois (83%, Median age: 30.6, pop. 2411)

Florence, Arizona (83%, Median age: 35.4, pop. 17054)

Groveland, New York (80%, Median age: 35.9, pop. 3853)

Twentynine Palms Base, California (80%, Median age: 21.1, pop. 8413)<---Can I say "next duty station"????? :) But, a bit too young!

Malone, Florida (80%, Median age: 37.2, pop. 2007)

Whiteville, Tennessee (79%, Median age: 32.4, pop. 3148)

Just some random city statistics. Don't have much to report. Last night I was cross-trained in the ICU. I don't think it's for me. You pretty much have to sit right there by your patient, and when it's slow...it's SLLLLOOOWW. At least on 5c when it's slow we can all go get coffee or goof around with wheelchairs, etc. This morning I went back up there and saw the clock on the wall had fallen down and was hanging by wires. When I asked what happened I found out they had been throwing stuff at each other and ENS Bartlett apparently threw something and knocked it off! haha. Man, I love my floor. This morning I went and worked out at the gym with ENS Brown and then played basketball with the corpsmen. It feels good to be back in the habit of working out. I don't feel as flabby.

Never entered any sports, didn't look too good in shorts. - Sparks, Beat The Clock

Yesterday was the 5 center work picnic. We grilled, hung out, drank beer, and played volleyball. Now, in my head I'm thinking....cool. Navy people playing volleyball and pictured Top Gun. Not so. And I've always sucked at volleyball and felt like I was upsetting people or something. It wasn't as fun as I hoped it would be. Hanging out was great....I just was in a funk during the game.

Let me back up. Lyndsy came into town. Friday night we went to a really fancy restaurant in Dupont and then out to Lucky Bar. Saturday, we went to the waterfront festival in alexandria...but because of track maintenance on the metro it took 2 freakin hours to get down there. It was torture. Then, saturday night we went to chinatown and ate at my favorite place...matchbox and then went to fado and found this cool bar Rocket Bar, where they have pool tables, darts, shuffleboard, etc. I played darts for the first time. It was entertaining. Sunday we got up, went and had breakfast at Einsteins and then drove around in dc and got lost. See, I really want to live down in the city, so I found a girl that needs a roommate in chinatown and we went to go drive by the apts. Then, got lost. All the streets are jacked up down there.

Then, we went to the picnic.

I feel that I should live down in the city for a little while since I'm here. If I was able to live in those apartments, I'd be within walking distance to the national mall and right by a ton of metro stops so I could take that to work. Or, part of me would love to get into a house setup here in silver spring. I don't know. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Either way, it would be nice to get a roommate. Also, so if I get deployed, I won't have to worry about my place. It would be looked after. A bunch of people are being deployed this year. I wish I was one of them. Oh well. I'd rather get more settled in here and have fun in dc and then go on a deployment next year or sometime after that. We'll see. This way, I also get time to get comfortable with nursing before I would go and do anything like that.

I start back on nights tonight. I think I'm going to take a few nursing books to study up on my down time. I actually read my books now for fun! Ha. Now, I can relate them to actual patients I have.

Love is like a butcher knife, double sharp for single lives. - Ministry, The Nature Of Love

Another couple friend of mine is engaged. This one is another from college. Geez. That's how many weddings in one year to attend? One in October, one in November, one next May, and then another one prob next spring and summer (whenever they set a date). Crazy. It'd be nice, but I'll have plenty of time for that when I'm done doin my thang....I hope.

Random thoughts. The parking garage that I park in on nights and weekends have color coordinated floors. Meaning, each floor has a color for the level it's on. Most garages do. Well, I just noticed the other day that the color on the first floor is green....meaning go. As in, I get to go home cause that's where my car is parked. Now, the floor that I have to go to when I'm walking to the hallway to work is red. Meaning....NO NO NO. Turn back! Don't go to work. It's a red light. haha. Just thought it was kind of humorous.

I had physical therapy for my shins today. I actually knew some of the techs working down there because they sometimes work up on my floor. That was kinda cool. They did electrical stimulation on my muscles and applied heat. It did help the muscle relax and not be as tense most of the day, but I can feel it coming right back. I'll continue to do stretches and I have 3 more sessions. We'll try non-invasive stuff before going to see ortho.

Yesterday was just what I needed. I slept in. Got up and dressed. Turned my ipod on. Walked out the door and took a deep breath. It was a cool 77 with the wind blowing and the sun shining. I went to potbelly's for lunch, then looked around dsw shoes, then watched Knocked Up (which is freaking hilarious), went by ben and jerry's, the hardware store, and then the drycleaners. I love feeling that free. I walked all those places since they're right by me. I could go wherever I wanted. I had my music and the sun to lead me. I really hope more of my friends could come visit and see where I live. My parents are supposed to come up later this summer. I hope so. My mom has still not been out to see me. Some day. Not today.

With a bottle of kerosene, she found her freedom and she burned that bastard to the ground. - Boy Sets Fire, White Wedding Dress

I have two weddings to go to this fall. And, a high school friend just got engaged today. Another wedding to attend next May. In my favorite city. ha. Everyone sing.... all my ex's live in Austin.... and Austin is the place I really love to stay...butttttt all my ex's live in austin...that's why I hang my hat in DDDD CCCCCCC.

Okay, you'll have to forgive me. I just made some pasta and shrimp and opened a bottle of wine. It's flowin now! :)

Back to the wedding stuff. I've had it. My three major relationships in my past have all included wedding talk. And serious wedding talk. The last one and I even picked out the ring and looked at dates. And then...a few weeks later decided he didn't want to anymore. I'm not the one pushing it. That's what confuses me. I swear...if another guy tells me I'm all he wants in a mate and that he wants to marry me, I'm just waiting for the breakup. I know though that I'm glad I'm single now. I'd rather wait and make sure it's the right one than jump into getting married and then maybe realize later it's not the right choice. I have all these plans for my career, but I also want to have a family. I was reading about the President of the American Nurses Association and she's done all these amazing things.....and she's unmarried with no children. Hm. I just don't want that. I want to be successful, but also have a family. I hope I'll be able to balance the two later in life.

Tomorrow I am being sent to the American Nurses' Association Presidential luncheon at Walter Reed. I have to find my cover that goes with my summer whites.....eeeek. I have NO idea where it is. It'll be a nice several hours away from the floor! It's going to be a long weekend anyway. I'm excited about this lunch. Gotta run to find that cover in my tipsy state...... :)

Every night I'm lying in bed holding you close to my dreams. - The Eagles, Best Of My Love

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an Iceberg
Waiting to change,
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like
the water,

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're.... the other side of the world
to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers
and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're.... the other side of the world

Can you help me?
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

Then the fire fades away
most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're.... the other side of the world
Ohh.... the other side of the world
You're.... the other side of the world
To me.
~Other Side of the World by KT Tunstall


That's my favorite song right now. I LOVE KT Tunstall. Seriously. Love. I'm listening to her and enjoying a nice cold beer after an easy day at work. Our floor got down to 9 patients!!!


It was a wonderful day back after a wonderful weekend in Norfolk with Tanya and Lyndsy. We went to Virginia Beach Friday night and they had a beach concert. There was a navy rock band and they were amazing! Then, Huey Lewis and the News played! My dad was jealous. ;) It was a good time. Then, Saturday we spent the day shopping and hanging out on the beach. We found the same little place where we got margaritas last time and the guys working there remembered us! We told them we'd be back in a month. It's kinda fun to have a place like that where we know the waiters and bartenders and they can just sit down and chill with us. It doesn't hurt that they're cute too. One of the waiters has the most gorgeous blue eyes EVER! I never notice eye color for some reason, but I don't think I could get his eyes out of my head. :)


Saturday night the three of us went to an irish bar in norfolk and then Lyndsy's friend needed to go to the hospital so we went over to watch their kids. Well, they have a shed in the backyard that they turned into a bar. So.....we got very drunk and sang karaoke (they had a great setup for that) alllllll night. Including songs like: Guys do it all the time and In the Navy (I made them!)


Tomorrow, Tanya and I might go into dc to an outdoor concert for Hillary. We don't really have an opinion about her...but we got free tickets, so why not?? I'll go for the concert and see what she has to say.

So, LT Herbig (the division officer for our psych floor) has basically told me she wants me to work with her up on 7w. I'm so torn. I am very interested in psych nursing, but I need to get my basic skills these first few years and I won't really get those up there. Also, I don't want to get stuck on one area. The Navy is good at least at letting us switch a lot, so I would get many different experiences. I still think I want to nursing education. That was much more enforced today. Several of our older, civilian nurses were trying to do online training and doing calculations and needed help. They were trying to figure it out and I grabbed a piece of paper and did dimentional analysis (the way I was taught in nursing school) and showed them how to do it. They were like "how did you do that??? ahhhh....fresh right out of school. " So, then I had a little mini class and showed them all how to do it. One of the nurses even wrote an example and put it on the back of her badge so she would know how to do it in the future. I enjoy that. I love helping people understand how to do things. Maybe I get that from my dad. He got his masters in education. Also, if anyone wants to help the nursing shortage....become a nursing professor! They need them so we can get more nurses out there to work!!! That's why so many schools have to turn away students. It's sad. I think I would love to do that once I get out of the Navy some day. Plus, I would have some good stories for my students of far away lands.... :)