There are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road your on. - Led Zeppelin, Stairway To Heaven

Fate. Destiny. Free will.

My path in life. As a Christian, I believe that God has a path planned for me and He knows where I will end up, who I will love, who will break my heart, where the Navy might send me, what kind of nurse I will be.

So, the question I then have trouble with is
What do I do when it's up to me to choose my fate?

I can pray about it. I can try and listen to God's answer, but in the end I'm always questioning if I'm not just "hearing" an answer I want to hear and running with it and saying it's God's voice.

Originally, I felt led to go to Guam. Then, speaking with the detailer it seemed that it wasn't going to be an option, so he mentioned some places in the US. I researched, prayed and thought about it and told him a place in the states I would then want. Then, he said he still might be able to give me Guam. Sheesh. SO, it's been two weeks. My detailer will be getting back to his office this week and I hope to hear back from him soon.

What I'm hoping is that he calls and says "I have one slot open, so you'd better like it. If you want to PCS in June, you'll have to go to........"

And I would pray for continued peace that the choice was made and it's God's hand at work and wherever I should go, I will.

What I'm fearing is that he calls and says "Okay. Your choice. You can go anywhere. Where will it be??"

And I'm stuck back between what I think will be good for my career vs. my personal life. Because right now, I'm feeling torn. I know I should go with the career one....I've seen in the past what chosing the personal life has gotten me! Bah.

I have this debate in my head. Well, maybe God is putting the strong desire for me to go to one duty station for a reason. Maybe he's using that to give me my answer. Ha. Then, I start questioning again if that's not just me making an excuse. I'm a big believer in fate. I think we do have everything planned out. I just want to sit back, be told where to go next, and have a decision made.

This anxiety is starting to build about it.

On a whole other topic. I'd really like a glass of wine. hehe.

Sunset love potion, prize sunrise sail, lay on the couch while I clip your toenails. - Wu-Tang Clan, Black Shampoo

I'll try and make this short and sweet. I'm in vicodin and I was called into work and got home late because it was busy.

My right big toe has been through a lot. When I was young, I had to have the sides of the nail cut due to bad ingrown toenails. Then, it got smashed in the door and eventually fell off. Then, smashed in soccer and fell off again. Now, when it grows in, it only makes it about 1/4 of an inch and then stops and a new one grows in. It's very troublesome because I then have to cut it back and I can't file it and make it smooth because it's painful. It's embarassing when I get my pedicures, etc. I finally convinced one of the docs here to cut it out entirely. We used silver nitrate so it hopefully won't grow back. He said it will, but I'll hope it won't. It never grew back when I had the sides cut as a kid. Who knows.

They numbed my toe up. yes, it hurt to numb it...but tolerable. It is weird to see them jamming a needle into your toe. Then, popped it out. Now, lots of pain. Oh well. He gave me some vicodin. Been much better with that, except that I took it this afternoon on an empty stomach and then threw up later at work 'cause I felt so sick. Thought I'd show just a couple fun pics of the "procedure". haha.

I took the good times, we'll take the bad times, I'll take you just the way you are. - Billy Joel, Just The Way You Are

I love the Navy family. These people, brought together from 99 different commands, from 200 something backgrounds, different hometowns, favorite football teams, different religious, cultural, and political views, all are there for each other. Sure, if this were "Survivor", we've already talked about who would be voted off first, but in all seriousness, if the shit came down, we'd back each other up.

It's such an inspiring feeling. Looking around, these people are my family. I'm starting to really enjoy it here.

We don't get a lot of trauma's, but I'm really surprised at some of the stuff we have seen. We just got a guy on a ventilator the other night. We've had some cardiac drips going and major eye traumas. For the most part we are slow and it doesn't seem that important compared to Baghdad and such, but we really do help the forces by keeping the guys going. Our hospital is unlike other hospitals in theater. Most of them are trauma centers geared to patch them up and send them back home. Here, our job is to patch them up and try and keep them healthy enough to go back to the fight. Doesn't always work....but it does most of the time.

Yesterday was busy and tonight was a little more calm, thankfully. We split the shift. I actually got to go watch the EMF E's vs. O's basketball game. Winner was 1st to 21. O's lost in about 15 minutes. haha. Then, I went to our bbq before the EMF soccer game. Being on PM shift, I miss all these get togethers. All the intermurals, etc. I was so elated to get to spend time with my friends today. It's been much needed.

I love these guys.

Never was a gangsta, till I graduated to one. - Eminem, Soldier

I woke up in the morning to run into the recreation room and watch footage of hurricane Ike. With a brother who's a cop in Seabrook and a sister who was sick and on pain meds who couldn't leave in Houston, I was very curious. I knew they'd be in pretty safe places, but you never know. I watched for hours. I only wished I could have been there to be with my sis. I felt bad her being there all by herself.

Well, when I went into work, my mind wasn't on EMF Kuwait. It was on my family who was having a hurricane strike them right at that moment. As soon as I got into work, they told me I would be transporting 2 of our patients up to another base to fly out with the air force medical planes to Germany. Originally, they needed a nurse to go because they were going to write for IV morphine for the trip. They changed their minds, so they didn't really need me to go, but the memos and everything were all put together, so I still went. They wanted me to wait for the patients to get their wound vac's changed over to regular suction on the plane so I could bring the wound vac's back to Arifjan. Those were the only two we had and if they went with the patient, we would probably never see them again.

At that moment, I was not in the mood to do all this. Any other day I'd be totally excited. Yesterday, I just wanted to stay in touch with my parents and see how my bro and sis were. After I started getting all their paperwork and everything together, I started to get excited about it.

PAD issued me a cell phone and the armory issued me a 9mm. Wee! A nurse with a weapon. I've never had to carry a gun unless I was at the range. This was kinda exciting. Okay, and yes my other corpsmen made me pose for some pictures. haha. They told me I could go in civilian clothes, but that was a bad idea because at this other base, you have to be in uniform to go to the DFAC. Hmm. Lessons learned.

The ambulance picked the two patients and I up. The 2 EMT's were army reservists from Texas, one of them was from Lubbock. That was kinda cool. We had a fun ride. One of the patients had to go to the bathroom and they were out of urinals, so he just had to use a gatorade bottle, but then he was in too much pain to go, so he kept trying to stand in the ambulance to go. One of the EMT's said it was the first time it seemed like a party in the ambulance. :)

We got to the CASF (umm...some acronym for the air force holding nurses area), this was where they kept patients until they were flown out of country. My bed was right next to the patients, so if they needed anything, they had me and their nurses there. The air force people were very nice. I couldn't sleep at alllllll last night. I tossed and turned. Listened to my ipod. Tried to relax. Eventually, I fell asleep and then was woken up at 0300 and told we were getting the guys up to get ready to head to the plane. Sheesh. Got them on the litters and on the ambulance bus and out to the flight deck. We got them all hooked into the medical plane (it kinda made me wish I was an air force flight nurse....but I know I would have to fight all the other AF nurses to do that also). We had some issues with transferring the wound vacs over to regular suction, but rigged it up just fine with some tape. Expeditionary.

Then, I went back and napped until my ride came and we got back to Arifjan. Good times. I got to leave base for the first time. I got to carry a weapon. I helped see two patients off that I had gotten to know pretty well. Met some cool Air Force peeps.

Oh, and the people that drive over here are NUTS. Just sayin. The scenery though, is just like west Texas. haha. Still haven't seen any camels.

I just grabbed brunch with Laura and I might try and nap right now. I'm so tired.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind. - Tool, Lateralus

Right now I'm beginning to negotiate orders with my detailer.

Earlier this year, I emailed him and told him my plan to go to DUINS (our grad school program) after my next tour and that I needed to have my rotation date in the summer. He said it would be no problem to PCS (have my permanent change of station...aka move to next base) next summer and leave early.

My orders right now have me leaving Bethesda in Oct 09. I want to leave the summer of 09 so when I rotate out of my next base, I can go to grad school. Long story.

Well, now, he's saying, yes, he can give me Guam, but he said Oct 09. Hmm. So, I'm going to do some studying on hotfills and see if there is anything I can come back to him with.

I really want to rotate in the summer. Maybe I'll have to stay at Bethesda until summer of 2010. If I did that, then I could try and go to grad school without going overseas maybe. Hmm. That's a thought. I'd really like to do that first though.

Here's the thing. There are ideas that I want for my life and then there is the part of me that knows I need to step back and let God set forth the plans for me. If I try and run the show I'm only going to screw it up. I'm praying and praying...but I can't always tell what His answer is.

Everyone take 5 seconds right now and please lift this up in prayer. I really to ultimately want what He wants for my life. Please pray that the door will open up perfectly and that I will be at peace with the decision and the process and the answer will be clear. I need a bright neon sign!

Thanks all my prayer warriors out there.....I'll let you know updates.

I was born with pain. My moms and my pops pass it down to me. - Mobb Deep, You Can Never Feel My Pain

I was looking through people magazine today. It was the one with Brad and Angelina's twin debut. I have often thought about adopting a child one day. This made me think about it some more. I started looking online at so many children around the world that need someone to love them. It's almost overwhelming.

Well, then I started looking at children just in the united states and put the max age of 5. It was so saddening. Almost all of the children had mental disabilities, but most of them from drugs while the mother was pregnant or abuse as an infant. It broke my heart to look at these beautiful little girls and boys and try and understand how someone could do that. It's unbelievable how a person cannot have love for the unborn or young child, and yet these kids end up having more love than anything. They put up and deal with horrible conditions from the beginning.

Maybe some day I can be in a position to adopt a child. I really hope I can. Especially when it comes time to retire. I will have time available.

I was so lucky to be born into a loving and supportive family. They have stuck by me from the beginning and I have some of the best brothers and sisters to look up to! I didn't have a choice and neither do these other children, but God blessed me and I hope He will with all the kids out there without a loving family.

Anyway, it just touched my heart and I thought I'd share. I'd hope that everyone say a prayer tonight for all the orphaned, abused, punished, and unloved kids out there.

We can walk our road together if our goals are all the same. We can run alone and free if we pursue a different aim. - Rush, Hemispheres, V. The Spher

A few pics of everyday life around here. Not very interesting. I have some more at http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2264701&l=2d050&id=16706036.

So, I was trying on getting a video in here about me listing my goals. It didn't work. the connection here is just too slow.

In any case, here are my goals for deployment:
1. Grow as a nurse. Done this already. The hospital isn't always fast paced, but I'm seeing so many new things.
2. Study my GRE. Hm. Not doing so hot on this goal. I've made it to page 2 in my study guide.
3. Get financially stable. Doing pretty good on this. I've paid off my credit card and next month will have my car paid off.
4. Grow spiritually. I'm doing okay on this, but I want to be a lot closer to God. I need to spend more quiet time with Him.
5. Physically. I'm working out a ton more and trying to get more toned. It's working for the most part. Could be eating better though......I'll do good and then splurge.
6. Let go of some emotional baggage I've been carrying around. Time to move on.

I'll have to update them as I go through the deployment. Overall, I just want to grow as a person, inside and out.


Random tidbits.
-LTjg G discovered that LTjg Davis looks like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. That was entertaining. There is a pic on my facebook album.
-Remember. When working with bungee cords...always wear your PPD (personal protective devices)! We got a nasty eye injury from one today! eeeekkk.
-I'm excited! I'm planning on buying an old beatup suv as a second vehicle. Not my primary daily driver, but one I can have for snowboarding, camping, weekend short trips, etc. I've found some pretty decent ones for under $4500! Everyone wants to get rid of their suv's right now. This is one of the biggest things I'm looking forward too!