Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine. - Elvis Presley, Memories

Things that spark a feeling or emotion in me
.the hill by the Ballpark in Arlington
.the smell of crisp, early fall mornings
.Lifehouse "Hanging by a moment"
.my red nursing scrubs from Tech
.subarus
.4 runners
.starbucks
.death cab for cutie
.midori ::shutters::
.the aim cash register buddy alert sound


Every day, every minute it seems, I'm cast back into time. Be it growing up, high school and my first experience with love, college and learning all about myself, or other lost loves that still seem to linger with me. It's as if images, smells, songs all burn themselves in my brain and I can't get them to go away even if I tried. I know I really want them all to stay. They are good memories, but when you realize they are just memories and the moment is gone....they become bad.

I'm getting to the point where I'm afraid to start developing new ones. I know now in a few years, they will become those dreaded thoughts that I can't let go of. Reminding me of a time in my life that I learned, grew, loved, or struggled....but a time that I made it through and survived. I'm trying to just stop and smile that I had those feelings at one point in my life....and embrace the fact that I do want to have more like that. I do want to have someone hold me some day. I want to hear someone say they love me. I miss having friends close where we wake up and start goofing off, even if it's 4 in the morning (Lyndsy!). I miss hot tubs and drinking wine coolers! I miss snuggling with my favorite couple when I'm feeling unattractive or completely crushed by a guy.

I miss seeing my grandmother tear up when I would go and see her.

Crime is increasing, trigger happy policing. Panic is spreading, God knows where we're heading. - Marvin Gaye, Inner City Blues

I was actually looking for the Saturn Commercial "Rethink Excess". I love it. I was talking to one of my good friends today and we were just discussing how our country's priorities have gotten all f-ed up. These days it's more important to drive the expensive car than be at home and teach your child to ride a bike. I heard a conversation on the morning radio show I listen to that was saying it was better for both parents to work and provide a nice home and future for their children and pay for a nanny or day care. I don't see that. What has happened to our country? Work to buy your kids more things....so that when they grow up, they will always want more? I'm going through this right now myself. I see girls in magazines and want new clothes. I play with iphones and instantly have to have one. I see homes in Pottery Barn and want a designer living room suite. I see fast, hot cars and want a new one.

Everything I really need right now I already have! Since the beginning of this month, I have really questioned myself before buying things. I do actually need a real couch and living room furniture, so instead of spending my money on little things here and there that I need, I'm saving it up. My friends told me about a sale at Old Navy. I knew if I went I would end up spending too much. I have enough clothes as it is. So, I didn't go. I feel so good about that decision.

Back to my conversation with my friend. It all came up because we're looking around and seeing so many unhappy people. I won't go into details, but I know so many people who need or are looking to start on medication for anxiety or depression. It seems working has just taken over everyone's life and we live under so much pressure to be the best and have the best that when we don't get it, we don't know how to be comfortable.

I'm going through a big change phase. I'm starting to eat more healthy. I stopped smoking at work again. I had gotten in the habit of going on smoke breaks with my coworkers. That's done. I'm back to working out. I'm setting up my investment fund for retirement. I'm just rethinking what I want my life to be like. I'm happy with what I have. I just have to remind myself sometimes of that fact. It's really brought a change in how I feel. I think our country needs a huge wake up call. We need to take care of each other. Look out for our coworkers. Quit trying to one-up each other.

I've decided my happy pill will be my multivitamin.

Oh, one more thing I have to vent about. This new show "Gossip Girl". Please. I'm already sick of seeing Paris and Nicole run around and spend money everywhere while doing nothing. I don't need to see a tv show about it. Why does our country find this entertaining??

If you don't get it the first time, back up and try it again. - James Brown, If You Don't Get It Right The First Time...

One year ago today I checked into OIS with Kerry in Newport, RI. Now, a year later, I ask myself this question:

If I had it to do all over again knowing what I know now, would I do it again?


I don't think I have an answer. In a way, I've always been told you can't ask yourself things like that. If we knew the future on most things, we wouldn't do half the stuff we want to do. I probably wouldn't have. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be where I am. But, the fear would have stopped me. I never in a million years imagined this would be such a hard road. I never thought I would have lost a certain someone over this. I never thought I would miss my friends so much.

I have grown more in this last year than I ever have thought I could though. Life seems to keep me on my toes these days and it's exciting. It has been the best lesson of life that God could have sent me.

One of my friends is starting out processing from the Army this week. It's so strange to think about. He's moving back to Texas. I laugh to myself because of all those times I told my friends that were in the military to just suck it up and deal with it and that it's not that bad....and now I can see what they were upset about. But, at the same time, I just talked to a friend who's working at a civilian hospital and she started explaining her upsets about work and it was the exact same stuff I'm bothered by! Same type of politics. Would it really be any different if I got out?

I'm just going to get what I can from it while I'm here.

The world looks just the same, and the history ain't changed, cause the banners they are flown in the next war. - The Who, Won't Get Fooled Again

My parents are in town. They've made a trip up to Illinois, then New Hampshire, then Boston, and now here. It has been a beautiful weekend. High around the 70's. Sunny skies. On Sat, we started at Chinatown and ate lunch and saw the Portrait gallery, then walked down 7th to see the Navy memorial and down Pennsylvania Ave (watching the huge war protest) to 1st street to the botanical gardens. After that, we headed to Dupont circle and got coffee and desert and people watched. Today, we went to Mt Vernon (Washington's home). I had been as a kid, but this was more fun. Plus, they were having this huge festival. There were colonial crafts and people dressed in character. Let me tell you....even men back then in uniform were hot! :) The front gate to Washington's estate was built by Texans and there is a big plaque and on the map it says the "Texan gate". hehe. I also got a picture by a painting of Stephen F. Austin in the portrait gallery.

I have a meeting tomorrow about pre-deployment stuff. Apparently, even though I'm an alternate to go to Africa, I still have to do everything to get ready. My mom was nice enough to sew on my patches on my bdu's for C4 though. That saved me like $40.

It's going to be a busy week, but I hope to get on here later and write something decent.

I go for all the belles, except the wedding kind. - Elvis Presley, Smorgasbord

Wow. Everything is all about weddings...and it's not even mine. I looked at my list of friends on facebook today and 4 out of the 6 pictures included girls in wedding dresses or hands freshly adorned with engagement rings. Weird.

I do like it when it's my friend though and I know she's happy and ready for it. I enjoy being able to look at the flowers and the dresses, etc. I had torn my bride magazines to shreds after I realized that it wasn't going to happen. I cursed theknot.com. I nearly threw up at the talk of weddings. But, now. It's kinda fun. I get to talk about what I thought was pretty and fun without having to stress about it being mine.

I've been on the opposite shift as everyone lately, so I've been getting comfortable doing things by myself. Going to movies, reading in coffee shops, walking around town, eating out. This morning, after PT and running errands around work, I stopped at La Madeline's for breakfast. I sat there enjoying my quiche florentine and my hazlenut latte, watching the rain fall outside. It was relaxing and peaceful. I haven't had many moments like that lately. I pulled out my book and began to read. Suddenly I was back to the seventeenth century hearing Thomas Jefferson speak about religion in this country...and then I was at Jamestown learning about the difference between Quakers vs Puritans and Anglicans. And then....what is that sound? "aaaahhhhhhhhh".....then silence. Noises from the cafe continue like static on a tv....ah...back to my world....."aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh"......i look up, one eyebrow raising as I look behind me. A mother with her two children are a few tables back and the youngest, I'm guessing about 2, are having breakfast. It gets quiet again and I dive back into early Virginia. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh".....Nostrils flaring, I turn around and look again. The mother never looks up. This continues for about 10 more minutes until they get up to leave. I probably should have just gone and said something, but what could she have done? He wasn't crying....just probably learning how to express sound from his mouth and was excited by this. I was not. I have grown this utter distain for children lately. It bothers me when, on the rare occasion, they get in my way on the metro....or run in circles around me at the grocery store. I shutter when I see parents with their children running around the hospitals for appts and the kids are acting up and running up and down escalators, while the parents are screaming.

I used to absolutely love children. And at times, still do. But, I am just not at the stage right now where I could ever imagine having one of my own. It's a good thing, I guess. I know I will get back into that stage and want badly for my own baby...but right now I'm in a selfish phase. It's a fun stage.

One more thing. My tv has been broken since last Thursday. This stinks. The good thing, it's forcing me to get out more and start reading all the books I have bought recently.

Can you spot Julia Stiles?

I remember this commerical. Now watching it, I can see Julia Stiles. Crazy.

Rushing to the treadmill. - Creedence Clearwater Revival, Commotion

Okay, at least I'm not the only one who dances when she's on the treadmill.

Why do I feel you hear these prayers of mine, when so many ought to be ahead of me in line? - Clay Walker, Questions

After months of searching for an apartment, I found the perfect one. Well, I didn't find it. I was led to it after a lot of prayer. God is seriously working hard for me right now.

It's less than a mile from work (I'm planning on walking/running/biking to work)
Downtown Bethesda in the middle of everything
4 blocks from the metro
It has a partnership with the navy so I get it at a discount and no deposit
No pet deposit
Utilities included
Parking garage
Rooftop pool
A few blocks from Rock Bottom Brewery
...and it has great reviews from the residents online!

I went and put my name on the list for the size I want. They said one should be opening up this month. I can't wait! It took a lot of running around getting paperwork from the navy and the housing department, but I got it done. I cannot wait. But, it's nerve racking. I have to plan it out and let my apartment now know when I"m moving. I have to figure out how I'm moving. I'm also going to C4 Oct 11th-22nd....so I won't be here to pack and whatnot.

I went and got my camis for C4 today. So, contingency will give them to you for free and you add on the patches and whatnot, but then I have to return them. EH?? He said they're phasing out the woodland camis. Well, then why do I have to give them back? Plus, they don't even reuse the used ones. So, I still have to pay for all the stuff to be added, just to rip them off. Actually, I might have my mom sew them on. Of course, it's not like I would ever use them again anyway, so they would just take up space.

Speaking of. My mom and dad are going on their 25th wedding anniversary trip Friday. They're going up to Illinois to see my brother, then up to New Hampshire to see long lost relatives and then down to see me. My mom still hasn't seen me in dc. Then, they'll travel through the Shenandoah Valley and all that scenic area. I'm so excited they get to come.

I think when I request to transfer off my floor I will put the following floors in order that I would like to go:
1. ICU
2. ER
3. PACU

I'd like to get the ICU experience since I'm here. At least get it under my belt. I'm so glad I did my year on med/surg. I have learned so much about time management and basic nursing skills.

I've been so scatterbrained lately. I have a lot going on and I feel like I've been moving 100 mph. The corpsmen last night were laughing at me because I was talking really fast and wouldn't sit down. It seems once I start moving, I can't slow down. Before I know it, it will be December and I will be watching snow fall over downtown Bethesda.

I like a good beer buzz early in the morning. - Sheryl Crow, All I Wanna Do

A tribute to beer! I had slowly compiled a bunch of the tasty treet recently from leftover get-togethers and trips. Well, in the past few days, that number has dwindled down fast. It's just so good...once it hits your lips! haha.

Here's to beer!

Oh, and I have also realized....every time I start to question if I want to stay in the navy or get out when my time comes....the next day when I've had time to think about it, I realize that I want to stay in. As long as I still love it. :) Which I do.

On the outskirts of nowhere, on the ringroad to somewhere, on the verge of indecision. - Marillion, Bitter Suite

Every couple of months I go through this dark night of contemplating what I'm doing with my life. A few beers later, this is what I'm stuck at...

I LOVE the navy and everything it has to offer me. I've met some of the best friends I could ever meet. I've seen places (only Newport, Boston, and here so far) that I would have never seen had it not been for the navy. I love serving our country and our country's men and women. I love the family that is the navy. I love talking to retired chiefs that tell me stories about WWII and being shot down. I love DC. I love that I've been able to learn how to snowboard and take roadtrips to Norfolk, Virginia. I wouldn't trade a single second of it.

But, then I think of home. I think of my best friends buying houses, getting married, starting out in their career.........without me. Will I regret not being there for all of it?? Will I look back on my life and wish that I had been there with my real, true friends from home?


On the other hand, I'm sure if I got out and moved back to Texas, I would get bored there after a while. Damn. I just go back and forth. I have a few more years to figure it all out, but still. Plus, I can't make up my mind on what I want to do with my life. What do I want to do with my career? Clinical Nurse Specialist? Nurse Educator? Bah.

This sounds silly to admit, but part of me feels almost like I'm not as good of a nurse because I'm not in the ICU. All my friends that graduated went ICU. They're saving lives, etc...I mean, I guess, so am I...but it's not intense and top-dog. But, med/surg is a whole lot harder than I ever thought. Having 6 patients that are all in the hospital for different reasons and having to keep it all straight and manage my time is way hard. And, surprisingly, I actually enjoy it. It's starting to wear me out, but I love it. It's coming up on a year now that I've been on the floor and I can choose to go to another floor. I can't decide at this point. Where do I want to go? Hmm. I guess I'll put in my list of where I'd like to go and pray that it works out.

And. I'm lonely. I feel silly admitting that to the internet world, but I've had a few, or 4 beers, so I'm talking nonsense. I don't think I would miss having someone in my life as much if I was closer to my friends. I miss my days at Tech where I lived with Merrill and had Matt and Ethan a building over...and Shelley and Aimee another building over....and I could just walk there day and night. I miss my best friend. Shelley, I miss you. Just remembering those times brings tears to my eyes. I think it's all being brought on by football season. I see all my friends going to tailgate for the Tech Vs. SMU game....and for the first time the other day I watched college football by myself. That never happened in school. We always had somewhere to hang out at in a group or something. See, last year this time I was too busy getting ready and joining the navy, so I didn't miss it. Now, I'm alone and sitting and missing having that other person on the couch with me watching and cheering and bitching about bad calls and great plays. No guys live up to Texas guys either. I miss that comfortable feeling. Dating can be exciting, but it can also be confusing and difficult.

I think I'm going to be moving into a studio in downtown Bethesda next month. I'm way excited about that. It's less than a mile from work, so I'm probably going to ride a bike or walk to work and I'll be right by the Bethesda metro so now it'll be much easier for my friends to visit me. No one wants to come over to Silver Spring, but maybe if I'm in Bethesda, they'll come and see me. There are places to shop and eat at all around the complex. Rock bottom brewery is only about 2 blocks from it! I think it'll be much better for me to be over there. My friends and I will be much closer.

Overall, it's just the scary thought of life. Where am I heading? What am I doing? Will I regret anything later?

I just have to live. No regrets. I'm having the ultimate time of my life and I will never lose my friends back home. They're still there. We still talk. Nothing will take our bonds away.

You have to excuse the rambling. I've been drinking and I've been on nights too long. I think after this schedule I'll ask Judy to put me back on days for a bit.

AH. I feel much better. Thank you blogger for always being there to let me release my thoughts.

Kind of wish I was dead. Maybe, I'll blow my brains out, mama, or maybe I'll go bowling. - Weird Al Yankovic, Generic Blues

Jessica, Jeff, and I ventured to Lucky Strikes this Friday. We first met up at Clyde's. I enjoy that bar every time I go. This was the first time for me to sit at a bar by myself. It actually wasn't too bad. The bartender was pretty cool too, so we chatted a bit. Lucky Strikes is this hip/trendy bowling alley they have in major cities. It was fun and all....good music and fun chairs and lights, but I honestly think the classic dirty bowling alley is much more fun. How much fun can it really be without a nasty, fat guy in the lane next to us, a pitcher of beer, and rental shoes I have to wear 2 socks with so I take away the fear of getting foot fungus?

Here are some pics. I was def tipsy and just pretty much ran up to the lane and threw the ball at whatever direction.

After we did that, we stopped by Haagen Dazs to feed my munchies. It was delicious.

Now, I have a question. My lease is coming up in October and it doesn't look like I'll be going on the deployment in January. I'm on the alternative list. So, to roommate or not to roommate?

Perks of living by myself:
1. I have found some cute studios
2. No one stealing my food
3. I can walk around naked
4. If I have anyone over, I don't have to worry about them bothering my roommate
5. Don't have to worry about a roommate bringing people over
6. I can keep it as clean or as dirty as I want
7. If I do get deployed at any point, I can just use my military clause and get out of my place and put my stuff in storage

Perks of living with a roommate:
1. Someone to do stuff with
2. Split the bills
3. Easier to get cute things for the apartment
4. Easier to afford living closer to downtown

But, then if I get deployed when I have a roommate, I have to keep paying for my apartment, or just leave them hanging. URGGGG. What do I doooo??? I'm leaning more towards living by myself. Who knows. But, I met this cool chick who would be awesome to live with! I need some help deciding.