I'm always for seizing the moment. I do it almost too much. I learned a rough lesson when I was going through the breakup with my high school boyfriend. Numerous times I would throw myself at him. Profess my love for him. (ok, don't laugh at this next one....well, okay, laugh) Write pathetic 17 year old angst poetry for him. Only in every circumstance to end up curled up in the fetal position on my living room floor at 3am with my mom next to me crying out "whyyyyyyyyy?".
You'd think that after all my experience with life and other relationships, that I would learn my lesson. Ha. It was weighing on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about it so I shared my feelings. I wasn't expecting a response and honestly, no response is better than a horrible one, I think. But, still. I'm mad at myself for stooping to that level. I want someone who wants me just as bad as I want them. I want the guy who can't sleep until he comes to find me and is next to me. If he left me, there was a reason. Why can't I just get it through my thick skull. He's obviously moved on. I want to as well.
I gave up on the search for a guy because DC just really ain't the place for relationships. The people here are just not what I'm looking for like that. I started praying a lot that God would use this time to shape me and grow me the way He would like and that I would be ready for whenever he decides to send me my Prince Charming.
That consoled me for about a week and a half. It's hard. I know to trust God that everything will work out, but my fear is that I've lost trust in man. So, say, God sets both me and my future husband up perfectly and we fall in love, yada yada....who's to say that in 10 years, my husband just won't get sick of me and want to move on. God can only do so much, but we all have free will. I trust my own feelings. I don't say "I love you" unless I really mean it. I mean, I would take a bullet for you, want to spend forever with you no matter how horrible your little quirks are, and work through the hard time "I love you". But, my experience is that the guys that have said that did not really mean it. I really thought the last one did, but nope. So, how do you know for sure that they mean it? Do I actually have to stage a robbery and see if the guy will jump and catch the bullet for me? Hm...that's an idea.
Anyway, my roommate and I have been talking about mistakes we've made with guys where we just look like the ridiculous girl while the guy can sit back with the power (we gave him) and laugh. We both have talked about how we should have learned from the past and yet we make the same mistakes.
I guess I should look at it as another growing lesson. This time, thankfully, I did not end up on the fetal position crying "why" in the middle of the night. Instead, I sat on the couch with my roommate and drank some wine and talking about what I wouldn't do next time. Right. I'm sure I'll do it again and again. In the end, that makes me, me. I'm blunt honest. I put my feelings out there. I'm not afraid to be stupid in love. One day I will find the guy that matches that.
On a side note...it's 9 degrees (wind chill) outside and I'm filling out deployment paperwork for Kuwait. I'm the primary person on the list for my floor for that deployment this summer. It's supposed to leave in July, I believe, so I'd get 2 weeks leave in June to go home and get everything in order. I'm already thinking about a weekend camping trip to go float the river. Dreaming of the Texas summer, flip flops, cut offs, beer, and an inner tube. :) Of course, when I'm doing that, I'll probably be dreaming of snow and moutains, beer, and a snowboard. haha.
Grass is always greener.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive. - Survivor, Eye Of The Tiger
As I rest my head against the wall of the plane and gaze out on the horizon, I find myself reflecting back on the past few days of leave. I do this every flight back to DC and my life in the navy. Usually, I have a point in my last day in Texas that I have to fight back the tears and this time even let a few get past me while sitting in Red Robin with my parents. I'm not really crying for having to leave or that I don't like my life or job back here in DC. Quite the contrary. I have this strange feeling that I believe only people in the military can understand. I live two lives.
Life back home. I dream of this life. Buying a house. Getting married. Having family and friends close by. This is a life where I can settle. But, I don't want to settle. I feel comfortable here.
The Navy life. Surprising. I don't know where I'll be or who I will meet. I have met various people. I can see differences and similarities. People in the military seem to get along with other people better. We may not agree with some people, but so far I haven't had the drama, and we all understand we have our differences. I feel free here.
It's especially nice to fly into the city and see all the monuments and symbols of independence when we are taxiing in. Even if I decide to get out after my 4 years, this has been the best decision for me. There is no other experience like having to move off, away from home and learn to live on your own. There are def worse places the Navy could have sent me. Well, actually, I don't know about that. The navy bases all happen to be at really fun places. That's one of the reasons why I chose this branch.
Anywho, it's like I live 2 lives. I visit the first one every few months or so. It's nice for a couple days. I catch up with old friends. Find out about a LOT of stuff that I missed while I was gone. Get my mom's cooking. Drive around Arlington late at night and sit in familiar parking lots. Visit Rusty's pool hall (where Jeff is now a regular at) and play on the same tables I played on when I was 18. Laid around my game room and had some good late night talks. And relive my life back at the high school age.
Then, I come back and have to face reality. A job. The military. The uniform. The apartment. The bills.
And yet....along with more responsibility, comes more fun! With no school, my free time is mine. No homework. No answering to parents. No drama. No age limits. No being broke. I have time to chill with the roommate and drink wine. I'm going snowboarding again tomorrow. 5th time this season. :) Got to go to a movie with Tanya. Got to ride the metro and enjoy my ipod.
Damn, it feels good. Just like this blog has seemed very back and forth, that's how I feel when I go on leave. It's this cycle. It's interesting, and I'm just starting to get used to the drill.
Okay, I have to mention the wedding real fast. Courtney and Adam had a wonderful ceremony! I had a great time with Courtney, Shelley, and Erin setting it all up and putting it together. I loved some of the special touches that they did to the wedding. There was dancing! That's the important part, right? haha.
Good times were had by all...
Life back home. I dream of this life. Buying a house. Getting married. Having family and friends close by. This is a life where I can settle. But, I don't want to settle. I feel comfortable here.
The Navy life. Surprising. I don't know where I'll be or who I will meet. I have met various people. I can see differences and similarities. People in the military seem to get along with other people better. We may not agree with some people, but so far I haven't had the drama, and we all understand we have our differences. I feel free here.
It's especially nice to fly into the city and see all the monuments and symbols of independence when we are taxiing in. Even if I decide to get out after my 4 years, this has been the best decision for me. There is no other experience like having to move off, away from home and learn to live on your own. There are def worse places the Navy could have sent me. Well, actually, I don't know about that. The navy bases all happen to be at really fun places. That's one of the reasons why I chose this branch.
Anywho, it's like I live 2 lives. I visit the first one every few months or so. It's nice for a couple days. I catch up with old friends. Find out about a LOT of stuff that I missed while I was gone. Get my mom's cooking. Drive around Arlington late at night and sit in familiar parking lots. Visit Rusty's pool hall (where Jeff is now a regular at) and play on the same tables I played on when I was 18. Laid around my game room and had some good late night talks. And relive my life back at the high school age.
Then, I come back and have to face reality. A job. The military. The uniform. The apartment. The bills.
And yet....along with more responsibility, comes more fun! With no school, my free time is mine. No homework. No answering to parents. No drama. No age limits. No being broke. I have time to chill with the roommate and drink wine. I'm going snowboarding again tomorrow. 5th time this season. :) Got to go to a movie with Tanya. Got to ride the metro and enjoy my ipod.
Damn, it feels good. Just like this blog has seemed very back and forth, that's how I feel when I go on leave. It's this cycle. It's interesting, and I'm just starting to get used to the drill.
Okay, I have to mention the wedding real fast. Courtney and Adam had a wonderful ceremony! I had a great time with Courtney, Shelley, and Erin setting it all up and putting it together. I loved some of the special touches that they did to the wedding. There was dancing! That's the important part, right? haha.
Good times were had by all...
Friday, February 8, 2008
I'm the definition of half man, half drugs. - Puff Daddy, Bad Boy For Life
"Ledger 'died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam, and doxylamine.' "
~Sad lessons from Heath Ledger's Death By Miriam Falco
Managing Editor, Medical News
This whole article was talking about how Heath Ledger did not have any of these medications in excess. That's scary! It was just the mere combination of these drugs that did it....and then I think about it. I can think of at least 3 people on my floor at the hospital that take unGODLY amounts of pain killers, sleeping aids, anti-anxiety medications for random chronic pain. It's scary. So many of these people end up being psych evaluated because doctors can't figure out what exactly is causing the pain, but they keep crying and carrying on no matter how many MAJOR painkillers we give them. We're talking about fentanyl patches, dilaudid pca's, with oxycodone and muscle relaxers, valium, etc....and people will still be saying their pain is horrible. It's unbelievable what people will take now for "chronic back pain". You know, my grandfather worked on a farm his whole life and I'm sure had "chronic back pain" and probably just took some motrin for it or a hot shower. I can't believe some of these people would want to live their life totally drugged out and bedridden because they keep taking pain meds. They don't even want to hear the pain management doctors talk about non-narcotic options for pain, like muscle relaxers or anti-depressant meds (which sometimes can be used for pain).
Most of the time, these are also the same patients that are too large to even move on their own and will call you in their room about every hour to 1. move a phone. 2. pull their light cord. 3. help move their leg because it's too big to move on their own. (these three things were all asked of me by one pt who kept ringing his bell....and everyone else was running around, so me, as the charge nurse, had to get up from what I was doing and go do this for him. And he's only in his 50's!) Sometimes the most depressing things coming from hospitals is not the sad stories of unexpected tragedies and accidents, but just humans in general not caring about the bodies God created for them. Our hospitals are just full of patients that do not take care of themselves and cannot do anything on their own. Now, I understand for all our little old ladies who are weak and will fall a lot. In fact, those are the ones who SHOULD be calling for help, but guess what?? They keep wanting to run around and keep moving. Ha.
I seriously could go on and on about this topic....but I must make myself stop.
In other news. I went snowboarding with a few nursing friends yesterday. Whitetail resort had free lift tickets for military, so the whole day on the mountain was free for us that own our board. :) It was so awesome. I also met a new friend who works in the NICU. She's been riding since she was 15, so we all got mini lessons from her. I went and tried to carve down one of the intermediate trails. TRIED. I did o...k...the first time. I had never had such a rush in my life. I was going fast and bouncing off little mounds of snow. I can't wait to get better and better. That's what's awesome about snowboarding. It's so hard, but each time you see yourself improve. It's a great feeling. Well, later in the day, I went again and did horrible. I kept falling and when I got to the end, I wanted to do it again because I was so mad. I did even worse. Bah. She said it looked like I was just tired, because I wasn't quite as good with my footwork. I was tired, but still. I got some air all right. Several times, I just went airborn and face planted into some icy snow and slid for about 15 feet. Snow flew up everywhere and I just laid there with a headache thinking about the helmet I should probably invest in. Ah. I'm quite sore, but excited to get back to the slopes again soon. Only one more trip on my advantage card and I get a free lift ticket. Shoot yeah! And, now we have another friend to ride with! We had joked about starting a club at the hospital. I'm so glad I got into riding. I can't wait someday to try out surfing too. Hopefully, it will seem like a piece of cake compared to this.
I've talked enough. I'm going to go back to watching the rockville pike drama unfold 16 stories below me. Something is going on at the white flint mall a block from me. I can see emergency vehicles, helicopters overhead, etc....maybe I should grab my binoculars.
~Sad lessons from Heath Ledger's Death By Miriam Falco
Managing Editor, Medical News
This whole article was talking about how Heath Ledger did not have any of these medications in excess. That's scary! It was just the mere combination of these drugs that did it....and then I think about it. I can think of at least 3 people on my floor at the hospital that take unGODLY amounts of pain killers, sleeping aids, anti-anxiety medications for random chronic pain. It's scary. So many of these people end up being psych evaluated because doctors can't figure out what exactly is causing the pain, but they keep crying and carrying on no matter how many MAJOR painkillers we give them. We're talking about fentanyl patches, dilaudid pca's, with oxycodone and muscle relaxers, valium, etc....and people will still be saying their pain is horrible. It's unbelievable what people will take now for "chronic back pain". You know, my grandfather worked on a farm his whole life and I'm sure had "chronic back pain" and probably just took some motrin for it or a hot shower. I can't believe some of these people would want to live their life totally drugged out and bedridden because they keep taking pain meds. They don't even want to hear the pain management doctors talk about non-narcotic options for pain, like muscle relaxers or anti-depressant meds (which sometimes can be used for pain).
Most of the time, these are also the same patients that are too large to even move on their own and will call you in their room about every hour to 1. move a phone. 2. pull their light cord. 3. help move their leg because it's too big to move on their own. (these three things were all asked of me by one pt who kept ringing his bell....and everyone else was running around, so me, as the charge nurse, had to get up from what I was doing and go do this for him. And he's only in his 50's!) Sometimes the most depressing things coming from hospitals is not the sad stories of unexpected tragedies and accidents, but just humans in general not caring about the bodies God created for them. Our hospitals are just full of patients that do not take care of themselves and cannot do anything on their own. Now, I understand for all our little old ladies who are weak and will fall a lot. In fact, those are the ones who SHOULD be calling for help, but guess what?? They keep wanting to run around and keep moving. Ha.
I seriously could go on and on about this topic....but I must make myself stop.
In other news. I went snowboarding with a few nursing friends yesterday. Whitetail resort had free lift tickets for military, so the whole day on the mountain was free for us that own our board. :) It was so awesome. I also met a new friend who works in the NICU. She's been riding since she was 15, so we all got mini lessons from her. I went and tried to carve down one of the intermediate trails. TRIED. I did o...k...the first time. I had never had such a rush in my life. I was going fast and bouncing off little mounds of snow. I can't wait to get better and better. That's what's awesome about snowboarding. It's so hard, but each time you see yourself improve. It's a great feeling. Well, later in the day, I went again and did horrible. I kept falling and when I got to the end, I wanted to do it again because I was so mad. I did even worse. Bah. She said it looked like I was just tired, because I wasn't quite as good with my footwork. I was tired, but still. I got some air all right. Several times, I just went airborn and face planted into some icy snow and slid for about 15 feet. Snow flew up everywhere and I just laid there with a headache thinking about the helmet I should probably invest in. Ah. I'm quite sore, but excited to get back to the slopes again soon. Only one more trip on my advantage card and I get a free lift ticket. Shoot yeah! And, now we have another friend to ride with! We had joked about starting a club at the hospital. I'm so glad I got into riding. I can't wait someday to try out surfing too. Hopefully, it will seem like a piece of cake compared to this.
I've talked enough. I'm going to go back to watching the rockville pike drama unfold 16 stories below me. Something is going on at the white flint mall a block from me. I can see emergency vehicles, helicopters overhead, etc....maybe I should grab my binoculars.
Monday, February 4, 2008
God, it's so painful when something that's so close is still so far out of reach. - Tom Petty, American Girl
To understand why I'm so down about the Patriots losing last night, you have to look deep inside to my Red Raider blood.
I sat there on the edge of the couch watching the Patriots' QB get sacked and sacked....and I knew, if Tom could just get it to my fellow Texas Tech Alumn, Wes Welker, that all justice would be restored. I was right. After a slump in the game, Tom was able to get the ball to my man, Wes, and get some momentum back in the game and end up with a touchdown. If only it had been enough. It always comes down to that field goal you didn't go for. Just like at Texas Tech when I'd watch them play and Leach would tell them to go for it. They were always crazy like that. Then, if we lost by a few points, it was easy to say "if only we had gone for the field goal". The same happened last night. Maybe it's a Tech curse. haha. Well. To remember better days, I wanted to play a TTU video of Welker. I was at this game.
Welker was one who couldn't be caught
Boston Globe
I'm a new england fan, but mostly because of this little guy. I never was really into pro football, but now my love for college football and my alma mater has moved over to the big boy league. It takes me back to those cool west Texas nights and bright lights. I remember the scoreboard reading "wes welker can't be stopped" following one of our big wins. I remember waiting outside the gates for HOURS on big game days hoping to run in and get good seats. I remember jingling keys when we were trying to tell the other team to start packing up and heading out because their game was ovaaaa. I felt the heartbreak when we lost a game we shouldn't have, and I felt the pride and complete excitement when we made the winning play. I feel like my college years of watching great players like Wes will now keep going as I'm watching pro. I get the same giddy feelings like I'm right back in the red t-shirt holding my guns up. (I actually caught myself do a guns up when welker caught the ball and made a big play last night).
Sure, new england lost last night. But, I was watching for my fellow Red Raider, and he had an amazing game. It's too bad he couldn't really celebrate it, but it was all I really asked for. I was proud and I hope once the heartbreak wears off, he can be too.
I sat there on the edge of the couch watching the Patriots' QB get sacked and sacked....and I knew, if Tom could just get it to my fellow Texas Tech Alumn, Wes Welker, that all justice would be restored. I was right. After a slump in the game, Tom was able to get the ball to my man, Wes, and get some momentum back in the game and end up with a touchdown. If only it had been enough. It always comes down to that field goal you didn't go for. Just like at Texas Tech when I'd watch them play and Leach would tell them to go for it. They were always crazy like that. Then, if we lost by a few points, it was easy to say "if only we had gone for the field goal". The same happened last night. Maybe it's a Tech curse. haha. Well. To remember better days, I wanted to play a TTU video of Welker. I was at this game.
Welker was one who couldn't be caught
Boston GlobeGLENDALE, Ariz. - There was a red welt on his forehead and knuckles on his left hand were bleeding. But for the real pain, you had to peer deep inside Wes Welker, and last night, in the heartbreaking moments following Super Bowl XLII, that was an impossible task.
"It is what it is. There's nothing you can do."
For 18 games, the Patriots had been able to do plenty, their vaunted offensive explosiveness at the heart of what was expected to be the most historic season in NFL history. But inside the dome in the desert, the Patriots could do very little on offense and Welker was asked why.
"You have to give it up to New York," he said. "They out-executed us."
No one had out-caught Welker. That was one of the few bright spots in a dismal night for New England, because Welker's 11 catches tied him with Dan Ross, Jerry Rice, and former Patriot Deion Branch for the most in a Super Bowl. But the mere mention of that record-tying effort was of little solace to the fourth-year player.
"No, I didn't," is all Welker said when asked if knew he had seized a piece of a Super Bowl record. He didn't care. He wasn't in the mood to search for answers, either.
"We should have moved the ball a lot more effectively than we did. We didn't do that all game and we should have."
On a night when quarterback Tom Brady was under siege, he needed to throw a security blanket over his team, and in Welker he found an outlet. Having been held to just two catches in the first half, Welker came alive in the second half and Brady was happy to go to him time and time again.
Welker had a 15-yard reception on the first play of the second half, snared a 7-yarder minutes later, and while that drive stalled, it seemingly established that he was - as he has been all season - the go-to guy for Brady. By now, it was apparent that New England wasn't going to be able to slow the Giants' pass rush, which meant a heralded aspect of the team's offense was gone.
"They've got some good pass rushers, some guys that break on the ball well, and they do some good things out there," said Welker. "It makes it tough to get those throws downfield. They did a great job with their pass rush."I'm a new england fan, but mostly because of this little guy. I never was really into pro football, but now my love for college football and my alma mater has moved over to the big boy league. It takes me back to those cool west Texas nights and bright lights. I remember the scoreboard reading "wes welker can't be stopped" following one of our big wins. I remember waiting outside the gates for HOURS on big game days hoping to run in and get good seats. I remember jingling keys when we were trying to tell the other team to start packing up and heading out because their game was ovaaaa. I felt the heartbreak when we lost a game we shouldn't have, and I felt the pride and complete excitement when we made the winning play. I feel like my college years of watching great players like Wes will now keep going as I'm watching pro. I get the same giddy feelings like I'm right back in the red t-shirt holding my guns up. (I actually caught myself do a guns up when welker caught the ball and made a big play last night).
Sure, new england lost last night. But, I was watching for my fellow Red Raider, and he had an amazing game. It's too bad he couldn't really celebrate it, but it was all I really asked for. I was proud and I hope once the heartbreak wears off, he can be too.
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