Whoa, to sail away, sandy lands and holidays. Whoa, to touch the dream, eyes inside that never sea. - Led Zeppelin, Achilles Last Stand

Most Christmases at home seem to go by quickly. You wake up slowly, sleep in, stay in your pj's all day, eat supper, open presents, play with said presents, start the fire and the day is over before you noticed it even began. Here, at least, the day actually felt like a full day.

Woke up, showered, donned my light up santa hat and met up with friends for supper at zone 2. For the holidays, they display butter sculptures. yes. Giant sculptures made of butter. They also take melons and cut flower and bird shapes into them and paint them. Those are actually very pretty. It was not mom's cooking after she had been baking and slaving away in the kitchen since 5am, but it was still very good. The traditional ham, turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, pecan pie....mmm.

After lunch, some went home to nap. Andrew and I went to go get coffee and play halo in the community center. I really suck, but it's still fun. I need to get an xbox. Then, went back to the I building to do a few things and then off to see "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. Hilarious.

Dinner followed, along with another round of halo with 2 more people. :)

Got back home and got on skype with my parents and sister. They opened their presents and I opened the ones my brother sent me. It was sorta like we were still with each other. I can't imagine being deployed before they had the internet or even phones. We have it so lucky. Back in the Civil War, men would leave and not come home for years! You'd never hear from them. Thank goodness it's not like that anymore.

I think I said "Merry Christmas" 300 times to passing people and friends throughout the day. All in all, it was a really great Christmas if I had to be anywhere but home!

Here is my Arifjan Holiday album from facebook. I've added some at the end. Mostly, of the butter sculptures!

My heart's dark, but it's rising. I'm pulling all the faith I can see. - Bruce Springsteen, Mary's Place

Sometimes it's hard to see the every day miracles God presents to us. Or, we see some good things come our way and are convinced they are God's hand and we jump on it without hesitation.

Then, we're left feeling stupid and foolish when they turn out to be something completely different and we were convinced we were doing the right thing.

I have been desperately looking for an apartment. Well, long story short, after much prayer, I came across a house for rent in Bethesda 2 miles from work! It was absolutely amazing. Great price, location, neighborhood and a couple who owned it and were doing mission work in Africa! So, not only was I praying about it, but this couple was very frank in saying they wanted a Christian tenant. Duh. I'm pulling the stupid card. All the signs should have led me to the fact that this was a scam. I was so "blinded by the light" that I saw this as an answer to my prayers and jumped on it. At that point, I didn't seek prayer, I started to act on my own. Bingo.

Thankfully, they didn't end up getting my money, but they got my dignity and happiness. For a short time. I was crushed. Not only was I back to square 1 and I did not have a place to live, but my faith was shaken as well. Lucky for me, I have great friends. Some that can take me to the DFAC and forget my problems. Some that will talk to me for hours on the phone from thousands of miles away and some that help me restore my faith.

Basically, I'm tired. I'm tired of believing, jumping head over heals over something that is not real.

This, of course, happens with men as well. Why is it that we get something in our head and with the help of people encouraging us or a smile from that person, and all of a sudden in our heads that is the perfect match for us. At this point, you might as well give up. Even if you know deep down that it's not going to happen and for good reason, you can't help holding onto this small amount of hope for true love.

Then, yet again, they get my dignity and happiness.

Do either of these people in this situation deserve that of me?? NO. Why do I let it happen? Why do I jump in my head and heart so fast that I end up getting hurt. The problem isn't that I don't trust others. I don't think I can trust myself. What do you do when that happens? ha. Maybe they can lock me in a padded cell. They could give me some crayons and blank paper. Then, I'd be afraid I'd draw something beautiful and imagine it became a famous work of art. It, of course, wouldn't....and I would be left crushed without my dignity and happiness....in a padded cell.


Good news to the end of this post. While I'm still trying to work through jumping before God is ready for me to jump and getting my own hopes up for love, I know now I will be moving back into the Grand Apartments in North Bethesda. A pretty sweet place to live.

(That has a funny story too) They normally don't do 9 month leases, but the leasing agent is one of the former front desk clerks from when I lived there before and he recognized my name and how kind I was to him and talked his manager into doing it for me! Small acts of kindness may come back to reward you in the end.

That did bring back my dignity and happiness. :)

I find peace when I'm confused, I find hope when I'm let down. Not in me, but in you. - Switchfoot, You

Pfew. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I don't have a place to live at in Bethesda. I spent all last night at work looking up apartment complexes. Well, that and watching Princess Bride with Fancher and M&M. (hey, it was my last night shift and i was going to enjoy the fact that no one comes in the ER overnight!)

Anyway, I had picked out this one place, Miramont to live at. I went and saw it back in May and told them my story and then in October sent them all my information. I've been on their wait list, but now it doesn't look like there will be an apt open for when I get back next month. EEEEEiiikkkk. It was perfect. Close to the metro and my friends. Cheap. They all had balconies. It wasn't a luxury apt, but it was a really nice one. Large floorplans. Man.

So, it's just so tough, because I'm spoiled and I won't live more than a few streets away from a metro, so that will increase my costs. I also don't want to live way up in Germantown either. I've just realized I'm going to have to pay more. Thankfully, I am going back as an O-2 now without a car or credit card payment, so it will be much easier to survive. There is just something wrong in paying $1600 a month for an apartment.

I think I may just try and move back into The Grand. I lived there with a roommate before, but now I can afford their one bedrooms. That place was amazing. Indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. Sauna. Steam room. Great gym. NEXT DOOR to the metro. Close to work. Parking garage. Free valet parking for all guests.

I think I have to live there! haha. It was such a great apartment. I always loved coming home. Plus, after a long day snowboarding, there was nothing like sitting in a hot tub!

I wrote a few emails to some places, so I just now need to play around with numbers after they write back. I'm just reminding myself to let it go. God has it all worked out and he will not leave me to be on the streets. ha.

Many other things in life are things you just have to let go. They are not your battles. No reason to worry about these things. Some that do not believe in God and religion say that religious people only believe in a god for peace of mind. Well, He does give me that, even if other people don't believe in Him. There have just been too many times that amazing things came through and happened and I know it wasn't just chance or my doing.

If anything, having God in my life is good for my health. http://www.webmd.com/news/20000809/religious-people-live-longer-than-nonbelievers
Mostly because when I start to feel that anxiety move up into my esophagus, like it was doing this morning when I was searching for apartments, I stop, breathe, pray and calm myself down. The realization that Christ always works for the good of those who love him is just what I need to remind myself.

Plus. Having Christ in my life just makes me happy. Can't wait til I have the joy and the apartment. :)

Sometimes I'd feel more fulfilled, making Christmas cards with the mentally ill. - The Smiths, Frankly Mr. Shankly

I seriously have some great people in my life that look out for me on deployment! I got a package from my brother and his family yesterday with Christmas cookies (that were soft and delicious!) and wrapped presents (probably my only wrapped gifts). Then, a package from Kerry with a Christmas tree and ornaments, stocking full of goodies, including a necklace and hat that light up and santa socks! I set it all up last night and I felt at home. I have my own little Christmas tree next to my bed, complete with a stocking hung on my mirror, presents under the tree, and my dog laying next to it. :) The best part!! I don't have an angel to put on top, but I got a Texas Tech ornament from Jim yesterday and it's at the top of my tree. See the guns up?? Hells ya. (even though we were dropped to the Cotton Bowl and they didn't even advance Graham Harrell to the finalists of the Heisman....bitches.)

I got other packages from Bethesda's Nurse's Association and some other company's care package and my parent's sunday school class. I put a lot of those decorations up at work. It looks more like a mexican fiesta with all the random tinsel and colors everywhere. Nothing matches and it's all just thrown up sporadically. It's still fun and brings holiday cheer! I thought I need to be as corny as possible.

It's starting to get pretty cool at night. I have been wearing my desert jacket over my camis to work and I think it's only in the 50's. haha. I'm going to just die when I land in DC in January.

Gotta get to sleep. I have too many things on my mind. I'm leaving in about a month. A lot is going to change. I'm leaving a lot behind here. It's kinda like a moment in space that will remain here locked away, but almost never really happened. I guess I keep thinking some things in my life were going to look up when I went back, but I have a feeling I'm letting my head set me up for a fall. No need to describe more on this. It will only upset me. Typical.

But, lots to look forward to, nonetheless.

Vacations and shopping sprees, these are a few of her favorite things. - Good Charlotte, Boys And Girls

If you are only here in country for 6-8 months, your R&R is spent in Qatar. Doesn't sound that exciting, but just getting away from work and stress is amazing. I got very lucky and got to go with a group of officers that was so much fun. It's a long trip out there. Lots of bumpy bus rides to and from the air strips and a military flight, but SO worth it. We laid by the pool, ate at some fun restaurants, got to tour Doha, Qatar and learn more about their culture, drink some beers, watch football (including Navy dominating Army!), play games, lay around in the "pillow room" and watch movies, etc.

The time was just simply awesome. I feel totally refreshed. I had been wound up so tight before I left. Now, I don't feel stressed at all. All that weight has been lifted off of me. Only about a month to go and I feel so much better.

This shows just how the good outweighs the bad in the military. Where else would I get a free vacation to hang out with some really great friends?? This kinda stuff is what the navy is about. I hope that some day I can get on a ship and do stuff like this at all the port calls. I'm going to miss these people so bad. The good news, I will probably see them all again at future commands, deployments, training, etc. And, you make friends all over, so when I move down to jax, I can stop in Portsmouth and see my friends there and in North Carolina and see people there....I love it. :)