I get lost, sometimes. Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart. - Peter Gabriel, In Your Eyes

At times something feels empty. I've been home and having a great time! I've put some new pictures up of some random get togethers. I just....I don't know. I miss how close everyone was in Kuwait. It was our small little world. Nothing outside it really mattered. Coming back to DC and Bethesda, you feel you get lost in the numbers.

Just the other day, I accidentally sent something to lab that I meant to send to blood bank. I called the lab as soon as I sent it and asked if they could just send it back to me so I could get it to the right place. We had a ton of people in the waiting room so I was really busy. The corpsmen were rude and refused to send it back. They told me I could come down and get it. I really should have asked to see their LPO, but I was so mad I was afraid I'd lose it. It just made me miss my corpsmen in Kuwait. We all helped each other out. We were a team. One group. Bethesda is all about getting ahead on your own. Now, I am going to miss a lot about this area. It's been great to get involved. I'm excited about going to BUMED, lunch with the Surgeon General on Thursday and our history project! I'm not going to have those opportunities in Jacksonville. I will have more sun though.

I really am not happy on my floor. How this all went down really hurt me. I can't believe I would volunteer to go on deployment and then they wouldn't even tell me I was going to a new floor or ask where I would want to go. Everyone here stays on their floor until they find an opening somewhere they want to go. I was the only person who ever wanted to stay on 5 center. Oh well. There must be a reason and I'll try and bloom where I'm put, but I even asked my dept head to keep me updated and that never happened.

I'll stop at that and let you check out these videos. There are 3. One from each year that I've gone snowboarding. Check out how much better I've gotten!



I could barely stay up the first day...



A little better on that one. The second year.



Look at me now! On an intermediate slope and all. :)

So long to all my pain, good night to my heartache. Goodbye sorrow, I won't cry no more, I'm leaving tomorrow. - Brandy, Tomorrow

That video shows what they did to test my compartments in my leg. Mine were in the front and side though. It makes me cringe to watch the video. It hurt. Bad. I could handle it, but if they tried to do it again I would tell them they were crazy.

I had my ortho appt today to measure my muscle compartments in my leg. There are 4 comparments in your lower leg that can swell too much during exercise and cause problems. Mine turn out to be the anterior (front) and lateral (side).

During rest they take an 18g needle and stick it into your muscle and measure the pressure the muscle puts on the fascia around it. It felt like my past piercings. I can handle pain, but I was still nervous. They didn't numb my skin because they said it doesn't do much anyway. You can feel it go into the skin, but then you feel it pop into your muscle. They do a stick per compartment/per leg. Then, they have you work out (I ran on the treadmill for a mile and a half until the pain was unbearable) and came back and they stuck me again. The pressures were above 30mmHg, so they were a diagnostic postive. The doctor even said just looking and feeling my legs, you could see how tight the muscles were. He said, done deal and we'll schedule the surgery to fix it! It really hurt.....I won't lie. I tolerated it, but I would NOT want to do it again.

Next, I just wait for the nurse to call and schedule my appt. I'm soooo excited. I just can't wait to be able to be done with this pain. No burning or tightness when walking fast, or snowboarding, or running! It has been 8 years. I won't know what to do with myself.

I almost cried when I was talking to the doctor about it. I'm just so happy. I don't think people understand, but when I ran on the treadmill today when I got to 1.5 miles, I couldn't even walk right. I had foot drop and the muscles hurt so bad I was shaking and almost started crying.

Soon it will all be in the past!

Your life planned carefully, but you left out one detail. The hidden hand deals just one round, and winds of change prevail. - Jefferson Starship, Win

Ah. I'm home. I've wanted to write so many times, but have never had the time. I'm making the time. I'm also going to make this short and sweet.

Said goodbye to EMF Kuwait



















































Had breakfast in Amsterdam (yes, that's Heineken and Jagermeister)


























I moved back into the Grand

























































Went to the inauguration












































Visited with the folks and went into DC a lot












































Got to get back on the slopes and took a girl trip to Wisp!









































Shared my hookah from Kuwait with a few fellow nurses who were also deployed last year


































Started back at work.
(don't have pictures of this...ha)

Bar hopped around DC with a really cool couple















It's been a really nice couple of weeks. Now, it's back to work. I'm not sure what I think of the APU. I feel like I end up working 10 hrs every day anyway, but I don't get as many days off as when I was on 12's. I need to just give it time, but I don't feel like I get to do a lot of bedside nursing. It's more paperwork and routine. We'll see. I'll continue to pray it will be the right place for me.

Wishing all the best for you and now I will say goodbye. Cause all the shit that we've been through put wisdom in my eyes. - Tantric, Mourning

Last post in Kuwait. Not much more to say that hasn't been said. I'm going to miss my friends I made here. So much. The good thing is I can say "See you again" instead of "goodbye". I know I should see them again throughout my career.

Anchors Aweigh, my boys, Anchors Aweigh.
Farewell to foreign shores, We sail at break of day, of day.
Through our last night on shore, Drink to the foam,
Until we meet once more. Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!

Sail on, sail on, o' might Ship of State. To the shores of need, past the reefs of greed, through the squalls of hate. Sail on, sail on, sail on. - Le

As I'm getting ready to head home back to the states from this land of sand, I reflect on what it means to be in the military and mostly the Navy.
I mailed home my big black box full of things and came back to an almost empty rack with a slightly filled seabag. It dawned on me in a short time I will be back in our nation's capitol, looking at all the monuments and memorials. This time, I think it will mean more.

Sure, Kuwait is a cake deployment. No, I really didn't see that many wounded men from Iraq or Afghanistan. (I saw more at Bethesda) No, the watch was not a hard one. My patients were easy cases. But, the one thing I did do on this "deployment" was lean on my shipmates. After spending 2 years in the navy and living on my own, this was an amazing, emotional and somewhat annoying existence to be living with all of my coworkers in such small spaces. We literally ate, worked out, showered, shopped, watched movies, got coffee, worked and bummed around with the same people every single day for 7 months. I've come to find some of my friends here as close as family. You always hear men and women say that from deployment, but it's an amazing feeling to have.

As the guys and I were going into the community center to play Halo, we saw the commissioning of the USS George H.W. Bush carrier. I am going to be lame and say that it made me tear up a little. I can only hope one day to run aboard a ship like that with all my fellow sailors. It shows just how alive the Navy's traditions still are. They sometimes get lost in the every day routine and our new "politically safe" Navy. The Captain that was speaking on Fox News spoke about how smart the Junior Officers of the Navy are and how they are leaving it in our hands.

I had to get the guys to pause their halo game so I could tell them. :)

I really hope you watch the video and hear the speeches. What an honor to have a ship named after you. What an amazing man to pick.

Deployment can do 1 of 2 things. It can take away your motivation and love of the military and your service. OR, it can bring it out in a way that you never imagined it could do. Then, all you want to do is get better, grow, move on and be that senior officer leading the junior ones in the right way. I hope some day I can make it to a ship and really be a part of the fleet.

I'm not trying to beat up on other services, but after spending 6 months with the Army and seeing how they do things and witnessing their attitudes, it just makes me even more proud to be a part of the US Navy.

I know I made the right decision and I know I'm exactly where I should be. That's a great feeling.

Chaos is the future, and beyond it is freedom. - Sonic Youth, Confusion Is Next

So close to being home. Can't tell anyone details about my trip, but it's soon. ha.

Before I get there, I have to turn in gear here, have post deployment classes and start setting everything back up for my arrival home.

Did the change of address thing, set up my utilities for the apartment, reserved the uhaul and freight elevator for moving in, reserved the motel room for my parents and I that first night, scheduled a time for the cable company to come and hook me up, working on scheduling an appointment to see the ortho docs when I return.

Pfew. I'm tired. I hope I don't miss something. I'm excited to get home, but the first few days are going to be crazy. After I'm moved in and checked in at work, things will calm down.

I can't believe it's so close. I can't believe I may never see some of these people again. I hope I see some of them again.

How I did on my goals:
1. Grow as a nurse. Done this already. The hospital isn't always fast paced, but I'm seeing so many new things.
At times. I saw a lot of things I hadn't seen before, but then there were times I just felt like I was losing brain cells.
2. Study my GRE. Hm. Not doing so hot on this goal. I've made it to page 2 in my study guide.
Never really got into this. Since I'm going to Jax in October and I'll be there 3 years before applying to grad school, I'm not too worried. I hope to take a GRE class at some point back home.
3. Get financially stable. Doing pretty good on this. I've paid off my credit card and next month will have my car paid off.
Excellent on this goal. Car and credit card paid off. Saved up a decent amount; however, I just hope I don't spend it all in the first month home. I have so many deposits and payments to make to set everything back up. I'm not looking forward to paying rent again, or buying food....or even water. bah.
4. Grow spiritually. I'm doing okay on this, but I want to be a lot closer to God. I need to spend more quiet time with Him.
I probably should have grown a lot closer and spent more time.
5. Physically. I'm working out a ton more and trying to get more toned. It's working for the most part. Could be eating better though......I'll do good and then splurge.
Did pretty decent on this one. I'm more toned, but because of all the spin class and ellipticals, my muscles in my legs and butt have grown and I can hardly fit in my jeans! It's not more fat though. I just don't get it. I still eat way more here than I do at home.
6. Let go of some emotional baggage I've been carrying around. Time to move on.
I def think I made improvements on this one. But, in a way, I just replaced one thought with another. Oh well. I feel much more healthy about the past. I can't lie and say that my heart doesn't break when I think about it, but I don't linger on it. I have better things to do than think about things that I don't control.

(On a side note....I did come close to beating Joe in NCAA football on xbox last night. That's a VAST improvement from the beginning of the deployment when I couldn't score at all!)

So, overall I made some improvements. I actually think I'll get more done once I'm settled in back home. I buy healthy food. I have my gym all to myself downstairs and no beefy guys to intimidate me. I'll get back to focusing on work. Maybe even build in a little social life for me back home. I'll have to relearn how to do that after being here. All my friends and I are just naturally around each other and do everything together. No outside distractions. I'll have to get used to that.

In a way, I feel like this time is going to be kept in a little box set aside. I'll think of it like it really happened, but it's almost like a separate time that fits into my life. It seems like it went fast, but at times slow.

I keep thinking of how to say goodbye to some of the people here and I just can't picture it. At least most of us can stay in touch through facebook and things like that.

Hm. Well, guess I'd better get my butt up and to the gym.

Come on you raver, you seer of visions, come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine. - Pink Floyd, Shine On You Crazy Diamond

These are two videos from youtube. One is of a nurse I went to OIS with! LTJG Benson (however during OIS she was Ensign Benson. :) hehe)I was so excited to see a commercial about her!

The other is from the promotion ceremony we had yesterday! I had 3 good friends get promoted, along with 2 other personnel here. I was pleased they wanted me to be a part of the ceremony and hold their new uniform blouses and covers and present them to them for the first time. Now, I guess have to salute the two new LT's. It was fun being a LTJG with them for a few months! Makes me look forward to that day of being an O-3. It just looks so much better on the collar! Anywho, they all had non-alcoholic champagne and let the corks fly. Thought I'd get a quick clip of it. This was at our wardroom promotion ceremony/party. Fresh fish, shrimp, calamari, ribs, bakery items...all from out in Kuwait City. It was amazing.

Great New Years!

Plus. I'll be home soon! Can't wait.

Whoa, to sail away, sandy lands and holidays. Whoa, to touch the dream, eyes inside that never sea. - Led Zeppelin, Achilles Last Stand

Most Christmases at home seem to go by quickly. You wake up slowly, sleep in, stay in your pj's all day, eat supper, open presents, play with said presents, start the fire and the day is over before you noticed it even began. Here, at least, the day actually felt like a full day.

Woke up, showered, donned my light up santa hat and met up with friends for supper at zone 2. For the holidays, they display butter sculptures. yes. Giant sculptures made of butter. They also take melons and cut flower and bird shapes into them and paint them. Those are actually very pretty. It was not mom's cooking after she had been baking and slaving away in the kitchen since 5am, but it was still very good. The traditional ham, turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, pecan pie....mmm.

After lunch, some went home to nap. Andrew and I went to go get coffee and play halo in the community center. I really suck, but it's still fun. I need to get an xbox. Then, went back to the I building to do a few things and then off to see "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. Hilarious.

Dinner followed, along with another round of halo with 2 more people. :)

Got back home and got on skype with my parents and sister. They opened their presents and I opened the ones my brother sent me. It was sorta like we were still with each other. I can't imagine being deployed before they had the internet or even phones. We have it so lucky. Back in the Civil War, men would leave and not come home for years! You'd never hear from them. Thank goodness it's not like that anymore.

I think I said "Merry Christmas" 300 times to passing people and friends throughout the day. All in all, it was a really great Christmas if I had to be anywhere but home!

Here is my Arifjan Holiday album from facebook. I've added some at the end. Mostly, of the butter sculptures!

My heart's dark, but it's rising. I'm pulling all the faith I can see. - Bruce Springsteen, Mary's Place

Sometimes it's hard to see the every day miracles God presents to us. Or, we see some good things come our way and are convinced they are God's hand and we jump on it without hesitation.

Then, we're left feeling stupid and foolish when they turn out to be something completely different and we were convinced we were doing the right thing.

I have been desperately looking for an apartment. Well, long story short, after much prayer, I came across a house for rent in Bethesda 2 miles from work! It was absolutely amazing. Great price, location, neighborhood and a couple who owned it and were doing mission work in Africa! So, not only was I praying about it, but this couple was very frank in saying they wanted a Christian tenant. Duh. I'm pulling the stupid card. All the signs should have led me to the fact that this was a scam. I was so "blinded by the light" that I saw this as an answer to my prayers and jumped on it. At that point, I didn't seek prayer, I started to act on my own. Bingo.

Thankfully, they didn't end up getting my money, but they got my dignity and happiness. For a short time. I was crushed. Not only was I back to square 1 and I did not have a place to live, but my faith was shaken as well. Lucky for me, I have great friends. Some that can take me to the DFAC and forget my problems. Some that will talk to me for hours on the phone from thousands of miles away and some that help me restore my faith.

Basically, I'm tired. I'm tired of believing, jumping head over heals over something that is not real.

This, of course, happens with men as well. Why is it that we get something in our head and with the help of people encouraging us or a smile from that person, and all of a sudden in our heads that is the perfect match for us. At this point, you might as well give up. Even if you know deep down that it's not going to happen and for good reason, you can't help holding onto this small amount of hope for true love.

Then, yet again, they get my dignity and happiness.

Do either of these people in this situation deserve that of me?? NO. Why do I let it happen? Why do I jump in my head and heart so fast that I end up getting hurt. The problem isn't that I don't trust others. I don't think I can trust myself. What do you do when that happens? ha. Maybe they can lock me in a padded cell. They could give me some crayons and blank paper. Then, I'd be afraid I'd draw something beautiful and imagine it became a famous work of art. It, of course, wouldn't....and I would be left crushed without my dignity and happiness....in a padded cell.


Good news to the end of this post. While I'm still trying to work through jumping before God is ready for me to jump and getting my own hopes up for love, I know now I will be moving back into the Grand Apartments in North Bethesda. A pretty sweet place to live.

(That has a funny story too) They normally don't do 9 month leases, but the leasing agent is one of the former front desk clerks from when I lived there before and he recognized my name and how kind I was to him and talked his manager into doing it for me! Small acts of kindness may come back to reward you in the end.

That did bring back my dignity and happiness. :)

I find peace when I'm confused, I find hope when I'm let down. Not in me, but in you. - Switchfoot, You

Pfew. I'm not going to worry about the fact that I don't have a place to live at in Bethesda. I spent all last night at work looking up apartment complexes. Well, that and watching Princess Bride with Fancher and M&M. (hey, it was my last night shift and i was going to enjoy the fact that no one comes in the ER overnight!)

Anyway, I had picked out this one place, Miramont to live at. I went and saw it back in May and told them my story and then in October sent them all my information. I've been on their wait list, but now it doesn't look like there will be an apt open for when I get back next month. EEEEEiiikkkk. It was perfect. Close to the metro and my friends. Cheap. They all had balconies. It wasn't a luxury apt, but it was a really nice one. Large floorplans. Man.

So, it's just so tough, because I'm spoiled and I won't live more than a few streets away from a metro, so that will increase my costs. I also don't want to live way up in Germantown either. I've just realized I'm going to have to pay more. Thankfully, I am going back as an O-2 now without a car or credit card payment, so it will be much easier to survive. There is just something wrong in paying $1600 a month for an apartment.

I think I may just try and move back into The Grand. I lived there with a roommate before, but now I can afford their one bedrooms. That place was amazing. Indoor/outdoor pool and hot tub. Sauna. Steam room. Great gym. NEXT DOOR to the metro. Close to work. Parking garage. Free valet parking for all guests.

I think I have to live there! haha. It was such a great apartment. I always loved coming home. Plus, after a long day snowboarding, there was nothing like sitting in a hot tub!

I wrote a few emails to some places, so I just now need to play around with numbers after they write back. I'm just reminding myself to let it go. God has it all worked out and he will not leave me to be on the streets. ha.

Many other things in life are things you just have to let go. They are not your battles. No reason to worry about these things. Some that do not believe in God and religion say that religious people only believe in a god for peace of mind. Well, He does give me that, even if other people don't believe in Him. There have just been too many times that amazing things came through and happened and I know it wasn't just chance or my doing.

If anything, having God in my life is good for my health. http://www.webmd.com/news/20000809/religious-people-live-longer-than-nonbelievers
Mostly because when I start to feel that anxiety move up into my esophagus, like it was doing this morning when I was searching for apartments, I stop, breathe, pray and calm myself down. The realization that Christ always works for the good of those who love him is just what I need to remind myself.

Plus. Having Christ in my life just makes me happy. Can't wait til I have the joy and the apartment. :)

Sometimes I'd feel more fulfilled, making Christmas cards with the mentally ill. - The Smiths, Frankly Mr. Shankly

I seriously have some great people in my life that look out for me on deployment! I got a package from my brother and his family yesterday with Christmas cookies (that were soft and delicious!) and wrapped presents (probably my only wrapped gifts). Then, a package from Kerry with a Christmas tree and ornaments, stocking full of goodies, including a necklace and hat that light up and santa socks! I set it all up last night and I felt at home. I have my own little Christmas tree next to my bed, complete with a stocking hung on my mirror, presents under the tree, and my dog laying next to it. :) The best part!! I don't have an angel to put on top, but I got a Texas Tech ornament from Jim yesterday and it's at the top of my tree. See the guns up?? Hells ya. (even though we were dropped to the Cotton Bowl and they didn't even advance Graham Harrell to the finalists of the Heisman....bitches.)

I got other packages from Bethesda's Nurse's Association and some other company's care package and my parent's sunday school class. I put a lot of those decorations up at work. It looks more like a mexican fiesta with all the random tinsel and colors everywhere. Nothing matches and it's all just thrown up sporadically. It's still fun and brings holiday cheer! I thought I need to be as corny as possible.

It's starting to get pretty cool at night. I have been wearing my desert jacket over my camis to work and I think it's only in the 50's. haha. I'm going to just die when I land in DC in January.

Gotta get to sleep. I have too many things on my mind. I'm leaving in about a month. A lot is going to change. I'm leaving a lot behind here. It's kinda like a moment in space that will remain here locked away, but almost never really happened. I guess I keep thinking some things in my life were going to look up when I went back, but I have a feeling I'm letting my head set me up for a fall. No need to describe more on this. It will only upset me. Typical.

But, lots to look forward to, nonetheless.

Vacations and shopping sprees, these are a few of her favorite things. - Good Charlotte, Boys And Girls

If you are only here in country for 6-8 months, your R&R is spent in Qatar. Doesn't sound that exciting, but just getting away from work and stress is amazing. I got very lucky and got to go with a group of officers that was so much fun. It's a long trip out there. Lots of bumpy bus rides to and from the air strips and a military flight, but SO worth it. We laid by the pool, ate at some fun restaurants, got to tour Doha, Qatar and learn more about their culture, drink some beers, watch football (including Navy dominating Army!), play games, lay around in the "pillow room" and watch movies, etc.

The time was just simply awesome. I feel totally refreshed. I had been wound up so tight before I left. Now, I don't feel stressed at all. All that weight has been lifted off of me. Only about a month to go and I feel so much better.

This shows just how the good outweighs the bad in the military. Where else would I get a free vacation to hang out with some really great friends?? This kinda stuff is what the navy is about. I hope that some day I can get on a ship and do stuff like this at all the port calls. I'm going to miss these people so bad. The good news, I will probably see them all again at future commands, deployments, training, etc. And, you make friends all over, so when I move down to jax, I can stop in Portsmouth and see my friends there and in North Carolina and see people there....I love it. :)